Post by Tiff on May 23, 2020 13:34:19 GMT -6
"fuck it I'm writing a book. Don't care who reads it"
There. That'll show them. They all think I'm a quitter? Just because I don't wanna wrestle anymore, that doesn't make me a quitter. They don't know me. None of them know me. They'll be sorry when I write this book. Not that I care if they read it or not anyway, but still, if that bitch Trish thinks she can write a book then so can I. I mean......how hard can it be? I'll start in the morning......gotta finish up here first......ok......so how do I make obsidian?
The next morning...
Fuck...worst night yet...leg's fucking killing me...wish I still had my crutches......oh yeah right......got the laptop. Switching it on and...god take forever...alright and...oh wait hang on...ok now we're good to go. Just gotta check my phone a second...goddammit I hate these stupid glasses......alright nothing but bullshit......alright let's...
"Hey kiddo! You ready?"
Shit! Already?
"Yeah...just...hang on a sec..."
"You got five minutes before I carry your ass out of bed again!"
Fuck...thought I could start before the morning run. Why do I even need to do this again? It's not like I gotta keep fit for anything anymore......ok the laptop is locked, the charger's plugged in, I suppose I gotta get up......ah fuck...why do I have to keep a mirror in my room? I don't need to look at that every morning...god I'm so disgusting. Want another hamburger, piggy? Fucking oink......well these are the only shorts that don't stink of sweat so I guess these will do...still not easy tying these laces with this wonky leg......ok so laces tied, hair tied, top on, just one more adjustment...sunglasses...hell yeah...damn I still got it......alright let's do this...
Sixty minutes later...
Oh my god I hate running! What's the fucking point? Hated running even when I could actually walk properly! Pretty sure those kids were laughing at me too. Can't really blame them though. I mean look at me! Why did I pick the tightest shirt ever? Piece of shit keeps pulling itself up, as if everyone needs to see my muffin top......oh god I stink like death! Guess I'm burning these clothes too...alright time to hit the shower...
"Hey kiddo!"
HOLY SHIT!!
"What the fuck mom!?"
Does she seriously not care about my privacy?
"Have you taken your pills yet?"
What pills? I haven't...
"Oh. Yeah...I will after my shower..."
"Alright good."
Jeez Brytain, try knocking once in a while......right yeah of course, the antidepressants. The happy pills. How long have I been on them now? I can't remember. All I know is they suck! They're horrible to take and they just make me feel nauseous. Why do I even need......oh......oh yeah......right......ok time to shower...
Thirty minutes later...
Oh man I needed that...so fucking nice...and you know what? That article was right...you do get your best ideas in the shower! Well, that or the toilet......I think I'm ready to start that book now. First I just gotta...actually you know what? Screw it, I ain't changing. Just gonna hop back into bed and focus on my work. Oh good, the laptop's at full battery. That'll give me plenty of time to type shit up...wish it didn't take so long to load up though......alright, got my glasses, just gotta check my Twitter first...and no, nothing new? Figures. Why would anything be different? No one cares about you...not even yourself......shit I forgot the antidepressants!
Five minutes later...
Oh god! My fucking head! Why do these fucking pills make me so dizzy? You know what? Maybe some breakfast will help...
Twenty five minutes later...
Oatmeal. Fucking oatmeal. Of course it was oatmeal again. Why am I on this stupid diet again? Oh yeah that's right, because Brytain thinks I'm fucking fat, that's why! Apparently she can't love me for who I am! It's not like...I...I......I can't......I mean I...I can lose......oh god...
Fifteen minutes later...
I can't believe I threw up again. So stupid. So fucking stupid! And now Brytain's telling me to stay in bed...so stupid. It's those god damn stupid pills' fault. My body literally rejects the idea of anything making me happy......well......at least this is one way to lose weight......what is my fucking life?
Eight hours later...
Fuck...what time is it? Oh...oh god really? Again? How long was I out this time? Jesus fucking Christ those pills are ruining my entire life! I can't believe this...I'm supposed to be writing a book! I can't focus like this......I need something to eat...
Ten minutes later...
Leave me alone mom. Stop acting like it's the first time this has happened. I know she's worried about me...I just can't live like this. I'm supposed to be writing a book but I can't even get started because life is hell. I don't even have an idea anymore......oh god this yoghurt is so good......ok well I ain't getting out of bed anytime soon, so might as well come up with something now......ok so I definitely ain't doing an autobiography...my life isn't interesting enough for that shit...so how about something fictional? Zombie apocalypse maybe? Nah there's like a million of them already......what about the future? Yeah because that'll never get dated......what about a fantasy story? About dragons and shit? I don't know man...I had that one idea in the shower and now I can't remember! So fucking frustrating! I need a piss...
Three minutes later...
Alright. So how about a story about a knight on a quest for redemption? But what if the knight is actually a princess? Like a warrior princess or something. Maybe an army of orcs invaded her homeland so now she needs to get her revenge? Maybe she doesn't know that she's princess yet? What if she finds out, but chooses not to be a princess and stay a badass? Oh! And then she could have a sister she never knew about, and then she fights the princess because she thinks she betrayed the royal family? Nah not a sister, feels a little cliché. Her cousin maybe? Maybe the queen had a baby with another king or something? I don't know, doesn't sound interesting enough. What about...
"Oww!"
How did I bite my own tongue? Stupid girl! Oh great I've lost my track of thought. I wonder if there's any ice cream left...
Another three minutes later...
Half a tub? Sweet. Just as long as Brytain doesn't catch me......alright back to the story...ummm......you know what? Maybe some music will help...
One minute later...
Hell yeah. The best of Radiohead. Can't believe I never listened to these until now. God if I listened to these as a kid I probably would have killed myself......anyway back to the story...right so...what about a guy lost at sea? And not just any sea...what if it's a sea on an alien planet? Nah no one will like that......what about a giant monster attack? Like a giant gorilla or something? Don't be stupid that's already been done......what about time travel? Oh wait hang on...
"BUT I'M A CREEP......I'M A WEIRDO......WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? I DON'T BELONG HERE!!"
God that's so good! So deep! So relatable...hey...maybe that's it...it could be about someone struggling to fit in somewhere. Something relatable. I mean...fuck my life sucks...but maybe if I talk about the shit that makes my life suck, maybe someone will connect to it? And if it's about a fictional character and not me, then someone might actually care enough to read it? I mean...it's worth a shot, right? Alright let me just...oh? Finished already? Fuck that was quick. I'm not even full yet......ok let me see what else Brytain got in the kitchen...
Yet another three minutes later...
I still don't know where she buys them from, but I'm sure she won't notice two missing donuts. It's not like I eat junk food every day after all...can't go wrong with a tall glass of orange juice either. Wish I could have taken the bag of chips but I couldn't risk it. Too much noise. Alright now let's get comfy......oh hell yeah......ok so I'll start my book right after I'm done eating...well actually...let's see what's on Youtube first...might be something interesting...
Thirty minutes later...
God Pewds is so cute......ok I guess it's finally time to get started. Let's load up the laptop again...which is gonna take forever again...and...bingo. Now let's check Twitter before we start......oh......another episode of Millennium already? Ok just add it to the catch-up list...not ready to see the guys again yet......what else? Ok I don't even know who half of these people are. Why do new people keep following me? It's not like I'll add anything to their lives......ok I think I'm done. Time to...uh oh...be right back...
Ten minutes later...
Wow I can't believe it. Guess the ideas on the toilet thing was right too. Huh! Alright let's do this...just gotta load up the doc...ok here we go...
*buzz*
What? A text message? Oh...from mom. Too lazy to come up to my room again? Let's see...oh for fuck sake where did I leave my glasses? Ok got them. Right let's see...fancy watching a movie? Hmm...sounds like a pick-up line. Closest thing I'll ever get to a real date again, and it's with my fucking mom. What is my life? Well...I guess the book can wait a little bit longer. I'll just pick up where I left off later on. Ok so where did I leave my onesie...
Six hours later...
Fuck...where...where am I? It's so dark...why am I in bed? I thought I was...oh goddammit did I fall asleep on the couch again? For fuck sake what time is it? Oh shit! I wasted the whole day and I didn't even start my fucking book! And...oh...umm...did I throw that ice cream bucket out? If I didn't then I'm in serious trouble......well I need a glass of water so I guess I'm about to find out who threw it out...
Three minutes later...
Phew. Glad she wasn't there. Alright well I might as well get the laptop back out. Might as well not make this a complete waste of a day...ok well I might as well take a piss while it loads up...
Two minutes later...
Huh...why isn't it loading? Oh god did I forget to shut it down again? For fuck sake...well now I can't be bothered to plug in the charger. Goddammit......ok well I guess I'll start my book in the morning. Let's just try and get some more sleep...well actually...where's my phone? Hopefully the Twitter app actually works tonight......oh look at that, it's actually working now......and nothing as usual. Same old people, same old conversations, still no one reaching out...at least not until I actually tweet something...should I tweet something now? Nah not yet. I'll let them know once I actually make some progress. Prove to them I actually got something going on in my life...that I'm not this depressed quitter they all think I am......god this light really hurts my eyes, I should probably stop looking at this phone in the middle of the night...goddammit why is it always so stuffy in here? Let me just take this stupid onesie off...goddammit I can never get these pillows comfy enough...
The next morning...
Fuck...worst night yet...where's my undies? Why's my blanket on the floor? What time is it? Oh fuck...I should have had my morning run two hours ago...I hope Brytain didn't see me like this, god I feel like such a slob...
*buzz*
Oh my phone...I guess she left a message...oh...everyone's gone out today? So much for social distancing...well alright I'll take an empty house for the day...anything to give me peace and quiet for once. As long as they don't end up bringing another tiger back home......alright no distractions this time...no running, no shower, no breakfast, just me and my laptop. Just me and my book. Oh...but what about the antidepressants? Yeah...like I need to waste another day again. I'll just skip another day. No biggie. Alright let me just grab this blanket...plug in the laptop...and...ok this is it. Let me just check Twitter real quick...
Two minutes later...
Oh look who just liked my tweet about writing my book. Figures. Funny how he used to be my biggest crush...now he just feels sorry for me...everyone feels sorry for me. They won't once I finish my book though. I wonder how Ana's doing though...no...not yet...focus on this first. Gotta get this done. Gotta get started. Alright where's that doc? Oh yeah I haven't started yet...ok let's see here......umm......what was my idea again? Oh goddammit not again...think Tiff, think...
*knock knock*
Was that the door? Of course they have to order stuff while I'm the only one here! Ok hang on, let me just put something on...where's that big shirt?
*knock knock*
Alright hang on a second douchebag! Ok here it is...oh god what's happening? This was Coen's shirt, it used to go down to my thighs like a dress, why is it so small? It doesn't even cover the crotch anymore! I can't answer the door without pants! Where's my shorts?
*knock knock*
HOLD ON A SECOND YOU PIECE OF CRAP!! Oh fuck there they are...alright got them on. Brytain better owe me for this...
Two minutes later...
Oh yeah...forgot I ordered this...this game better be good......alright then...guess I'll start playing once we download all fifty gigabytes......let me just take this shirt off...stupid shirt must have shrunk in the wash or something...these shorts can fucking go too. Feeling like a sweatpants kind of day anyway, don't care what anyone says......alright time to start on this book...oh...hang on...I am kinda starving right now...better not skip another breakfast...
Thirty minutes later...
I wish I could actually cook. Still, I'll take butter toast over oatmeal any day of the week. You know...I should probably stop cheating on this diet. I shouldn't be lying to my family about it...but then again...you gotta focus on what makes you happy, right? Speaking of which, I should probably get back on my laptop. Let me just grab a glass of milk and then I'll bring my laptop down here for a change...
Five minutes later...
Alright, got my milk, got my laptop on the couch, let's finally get to work! Ok...so first of all, I need a new idea......let's see......wasn't I gonna do like a fictional version of myself or something? Or was it the warrior princess thing? Should the story even be about a girl though? Maybe I should make the hero a guy. Or should I make him an anti-hero? Maybe even a bit of a dickhead? Yeah...maybe he cheats on his girlfriend or something? Oh but wouldn't the story be better from the girlfriend's point of view? Yeah you're right...but then again we can focus on making the boyfriend try to make things right with the girlfriend? Yeah right...like that'll ever happen...as if he'll ever take her back now, not as she is now...besides he's probably forgotten all about her now...he deserves someone better than...wait...
*buzz*
Oh. Brytain again. Reminding me to take my antidepressants. Yeah unlikely. Gotta make some progress first. Anyway......I wonder if my new game is ready now? No...no not yet! Gotta focus. Gotta stay focused......you know...if this book is good enough, it could be made into a movie...maybe we should try to make the main character look as much like Chris Hemsworth as possible......no don't be stupid girl...but still...no don't! Stay focused. Must...stay...focused......you know what I need? I need some inspiration...
One minute later...
Let's check a few Youtube videos for ideas...well actually before I start, let me just check on my own video...haven't really uploaded anything since my birthday......well it ain't got any new views yet. I wonder if...oh...oh yeah...forgot I unlisted it. Guess I got too embarrassed about it. There goes my Youtube career......well......no. I ain't gonna make another video. No one needs to see me like this. I ain't going anywhere near a camera again......ok let's check out some of these videos......oh Pewds is doing another live stream? This I gotta see...
Two hours later...
God that game looks fun. Shame I don't know enough people who'd be interested in playing it. Anyway......huh......when did I get these chips? Didn't even notice eating them. Weird......anyway......holy fuck it's been two hours already? Shit I gotta get started on this book...
Another minute later...
Right. Ok. This is it. Time for a good idea. Alright...think girl...I should probably just do things I know about. Like wrestling or skating or something...yeah like when was the last time you thought about either of those things? Well...I mean...it could be about how I got into the wrestling business? We could even go as far back as the old foster home. Maybe we could base the main villain on that bitch Trish...or is that too obvious? I don't know...she thinks she's so great though...like she's the best thing to come out of that foster home. Big deal, anyone can write a book...I'd like to see her try being a wrestling champion for as long as me...oh my god imagine seeing her in the ring! Un-bloody-likely, but still, I'd pay billions to see that...
*buzz*
Oh. A Twitter notification? Oh...nah just stupid news update...bullshit. Anyway...man just give me five minutes in the ring with her. Just her and me. I'd show her a thing or two. I still got the moves. Still got the best goddamn superkick in the business. I mean come on! Check me out...
*click*
"FUCK!!"
Ok. Let's not do that again. Fucking hell that hurt. I know I ain't supposed to lift my leg high yet but for fuck sake! At least let me feel fit again, just once! Stupid body...
*thud*
"SHIT!!"
Oh come the fuck on...really? I can't even sit the fuck down without missing the couch completely? Seriously...how could I miss the entire fucking couch? A big fatass like mine and I still fucking miss! When did I get so fucking clumsy? Why can't things just go back to the way things were? Back when I could actually hide how miserable I am...goddammit I need a drink...where does Brytain hide her stash again?
Ten minutes later...
Damn...she must have moved it. Oh whatever...it's not like I need a drink anyway. It's fine...nothing that a few extra snacks can't fill...
Another ten minutes later...
Alright. These snacks should help me stay focused. Back to the......oh......I wonder if my new game is ready? Oh god these stairs suck......ok let's see......nope. Still another hour to go. Thank you shitty internet...ok back down we go...guess there's no more reason to delay things, right? Let's get back to work...
One minute later...
So this time, I'm gonna keep my fatass on this couch, and I ain't gonna move until I get something onto this stupid doc. Ok let me think......if I'm gonna do a story based on my life, I gotta think of some key moments in my life that I want to focus on...like...I don't know...remember that time Hunter took me to swim with those dolphins? I absolutely pissed myself that day...but he was there to make sure I was safe......oh Hunter......I wonder how he is? I should probably call him soon...I didn't deserve him in my life......or what about the first time I met Brytain? God...has there ever been a moment that doesn't involve me pissing myself? I don't deserve her in my life......maybe I could do something about Skylynn? Like that time she came on to me at that party? At least I think she did...I don't know that was so long ago now......or maybe I should just focus on my wrestling career? What about a parallel timeline where I focused on skating rather than wrestling? I hope Boaz is doing ok...
*beep*
Oh sweet, my pop tarts are ready...
Ten minutes later...
What am I doing with my life? Why am I even doing this? Do you honestly think anyone would actually care about anything you have to say? Everyone who saw that video just felt sorry for you. None of them really tried to help you, they just offered you help they knew you're in no shape to accept. Then again, what were you expecting? Why did I even make that stupid video? Probably for attention, right? Attention that you pretend you don't need, but attention that you clearly crave. Why else would you keep sending those stupid tweets about how miserable you are? You know, if all you want is attention, then why don't you just admit it? Maybe there's more to it? Maybe you actually want to be helped because you just don't have the power to help yourself? No, of course not, because that means admitting that you're weak. You're not weak. You have to stay strong. You were a champion for a reason. You held on to that title for as long as you did for a reason, and that reason is because you're strong. Or am I? Was I really strong? Or was I just desperate? Lucky too. I mean, as much as I hated having my personal life exposed to the whole world, it still ended up being the thing that kept me as champion...that is until the whole world realized how much of an idiot I really am. For fuck sake, why did I have to shoot that promo on Ana? Why did I have to shame my family the way I did? Why did I turn into such a monster?
*buzz*
Another message from Brytain...just making sure I'm ok...yeah right, of course I'm not. Why would I be ok? I've fucked everything up. My career, my health, my relationships...everything. I'm a failure. A fat, lonely, miserable failure. I know I need help...but how can I get help when I can't even help myself? I'm a fucking mess. I can't even face anyone outside this house without feeling ashamed of myself. All I got are these tweets, and even then, I feel so disgusted with myself. Melissa. Nora. Sky. Addison. Even Megan. I know you think you're helping, and I'm so sorry. I just can't accept this feeling like everyone's looking down at me, like you're all above me, looking down at this pathetic pile of shit I've become. I don't have any friends. For fuck sake, I'm not ok. I'm not ok at all. Why is this my life now? Why can't I fucking stop crying?
Twenty minutes later...
Oh fuck me......I haven't cried like that in a while......why does this always happen when I don't take my antidepressants? Goddammit......is there anything new on Twitter? Nope? Figures...you know what though? I don't think I'm ready to start this book yet......hmm......still half an hour left to download the new game......let's at least try to get a quick home workout going. Probably a few good workout videos on Youtube, right?
Thirty minutes later...
Oh god that was hard...probably should have put the yoga pants on first...I think my whole body is chafing right now......alright, that was my thirty minutes a day......let's put these pants in the washing basket and get into our brand new game! Fuck yes I can't wait...
Sixty minutes later...
This game fucking sucks...why does it take like twenty fucking bullets to kill one demon? Definitely not worth sixty dollars......ah well......it's not like I'm running out of cash anytime soon. That's at least one of the perks of being a successful wrestler...even if it only lasted a few years......still......I should probably start thinking about getting my own home soon. Pretty sure Mike and Brytain are ready to murder me by now......yeah because I'm competent enough to start living on my own. What would I end up doing with my life? Probably the same bullshit as today, right? Nah, I ain't ready......wait, what am I saying? I'm twenty years old! There are people my age who are married already and have children......oh as if you're any good with children? You're practically still a child yourself. I don't even get me started on relationships...I've been rejected by boys so much I can't even tell if I'm straight anymore......wait what the fuck? How did I fucking die? This game sucks...
Another sixty minutes later...
Holy shit this is the best game I've ever played! Better than all that mining crap...this is more like it! What a cool setting too! Demons from Mars taking over Earth? That's so badass! Hey...this could be what my new book is about. No one cares about me or my story, but maybe we can do this crazy sci-fi demon hunting story about this badass out for blood. Oh hell yeah I can see it now......then again......nah that's stupid......as if you could ever write anything that epic. As if you know anything about being a badass. No one's ever taken you seriously. Are you kidding me? Who would ever take someone like me seriously? Fuck, why did I have to be so short? Why couldn't I be this giant badass like Nora? God if she saw me now it would break her heart I know it......yeah because she's the only one you've disappointed......you don't even have the decency to face your own family......Andreas......Heather......they can never see me like this. They just can't. I just can't live with the guilt. I've already let them down enough...they'll be ashamed to call me family......god I'm such a pig...
Two hours later...
Phew! That was a good sesh. Such a good fucking game, can't believe I didn't buy it sooner......whoa wait......is that the time already? How long have I been playing? I haven't even started my fucking book yet! Jesus fucking Christ, way to go Tiff, you dumb bitch! I gotta work on this fucking book! I just got to......ok I'm keeping the laptop in bed with me, and I ain't leaving until I get something done. Ok......I wonder what the next level is gonna be like......no......concentrate Tiff, just concentrate......I'll probably spend my next upgrade tokens on the shotgun......goddammit stop it you idiot! Stop thinking about the damn game and focus on the damn story......but what the hell do I fucking write about? Goddammit why is this so hard? Why can't I do this? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just focus on this one little thing? Why can't I do anything right? Why is this my fucking life? I can't do this anymore! I can't...I just can't...
*buzz*
Ok. Calm down Tiff. That's just the phone. Another stupid news update. Wish I knew how to turn them off......definitely need the toilet though. Be right back...
Five minutes later...
There I am in the mirror again...oh god I'm hideous...no amount of make-up in the world could fix that face...you look more like an apple than a pear these days...probably should have showered this morning...I wonder what I'd look like with shorter hair? Probably a lot easier to look after it...probably won't look so obvious how much of a bad day I'm having...but then again...that would just be giving up again. Wouldn't be the first time though, right? I mean look at me......do I look like someone who still cares? I hate what I've become, but then again, what's the point of trying to fix it? I hated myself way before any of this happened to me. Way before I wrestled. Way before Hunter adopted me. What's the point of trying to fix it when you know you'll only end up hating what you become no matter what? The only two things that made me happy was fighting and skating, and now I can't do either......can you imagine my fatass in the ring like this? I'd be a fucking joke...not that I am already...and I'd probably break my board if I tried standing on it now. Where did all this weight even come from? I know I've always been kinda stocky but still...I was a fucking beast in the gym...now I can't even do a few stretches without losing my breath. I could go for days without eating anything...now I can't even go an hour without thinking about food...speaking of which...
Three minutes later...
Alright. Just one yoghurt and I'll be good to go again......you know......when you think about it......everything that's wrong with me isn't entirely my fault......the shit I found out about my mom...my real mom that is...I think a lot of it comes from her......lucky I have people in my life who actually give a fuck about whether I die or not, otherwise who knows where I might end up......probably in the same grave as her......do you think my real dad would come to the funeral? Probably not...I don't even know his name......he could be anyone......and god knows what fucked up things he passed down to me......I don't know......man I really have to start this book. Why is it so hard to get started? Why is it so hard to put my ideas on paper? They're so good when I think of them and they just disappear like a minute later. How does anyone write anything? How did that bitch Trish get to publish a book all by herself? Probably ghost writers...yeah that's probably it...maybe that's what I should...no...can't do that...it needs to be me. I need to be the one to write it. I can't give up. Not again. I mean...no...I didn't give up...I'm not a quitter...I'm...not...
*buzz*
Oh look. They'll be home in ten minutes......wait......fuck......did I clean up the trash downstairs? Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck if they see this mess I'm gonna be so fucked! They can't know how much I ate, they just can't......gotta hurry......fucking damn how much did I eat? I'm sure they ain't gonna notice how this stupid diet is making you even bigger than you are you lard-aaahhh fucking hell a stitch! I can't get a stitch now! Holy fuck......ok that should be it......just gotta get tie this garbage bag up...and...ok phew...no one needs to know...and with time to spare...that was close......now I just gotta go back to bed and hide my laptop. They can't know I was out of bed...
Two minutes later...
I hear the door. That must be them. Fucking hell...why do I have to keep lying to them like this? Why can't I just be honest and tell them how unhappy I am? Everything would be so much better if I didn't have to worry about this stupid diet......uh oh, someone's coming up......quick, pretend you're asleep...
Five minutes later...
Oh Brytain...why couldn't you have been my real mom? At least then I'd know what kind of person I am......god I am such a horrible person......why would anyone ever want to read a book by me? I'm a liar. I'm a slob. I'm a loser......ok she's gone now, you can stop pretending to be asleep now......oh but what's the point? I might as well sleep the rest of the day, right? What's the point of even getting up anymore? To write this stupid book? Yeah right...you can't even go a single day without doing something to ruin your life. Like seriously, what have I done all day? Besides whine about how miserable I am? Who would want to read anything written by a pathetic little whiner like you? Get real......I wonder what's on Twitter right now?
One minute later...
Nothing...nothing...still nothing. What did you expect? All I ever see are joke characters these days...everyone goes on Twitter for a laugh...or for drama...oh god the drama......remember how everyone reacted to that promo you did on Ana? Holy fuck that was bad......and yet......everyone sounded a little different when I posted that video on my birthday......almost like the only thing bad I've ever done was let myself go. It's like no one knows why I quit...I mean I didn't...but it's like...they don't know why I'm not coming back. I mean...why would anyone want me back? To bitch and cry some more about how no one takes me seriously? For more people to expose me for the disgusting piece of shit I really am? I tried my fucking hardest, and people would rather clap for a performing monkey than treat me like anything more than a sad little kid. You try your fucking hardest, and it doesn't change anything. So what's the point? What is actually the point? Why waste my time over a stupid book when everyone will just focus on the newest version of Curious Cat instead? Oh great...now I need a shit...oh well...so long comfy spot...
Another minute later...
Oh fuck......well......this might take a while......might as well go back on Twitter real quick......oh look, another photo of Skylynn. Better like that...make sure she thinks I'm not dead yet......wow......she's actually really pretty......after all the shit she went through, how the hell does she still look that good? It's not fair......all these girls are so gorgeous......whoa......how do you even make a pose like that? Then again......I guess I'd probably post a few pictures like that if I had a body like these......holy crap look at the size of those! I don't even know who this woman is! Why is she even showing up on my feed? Fuck me if I had......ugh...push Tiff push...ugh......if I had tits like that things would be a whole lot different......man if only all this extra fat went to my tits......all the boys would notice me then......oh who the fuck am I kidding? I'd probably scare them off again like I always do......where are all the boys by the way? Huh...feels like I only talk to girls on here...weird......oh for fuck sake why can't these stupid glasses stay on my face?
Nine minutes later...
Where's Britty's account? Haven't checked in on her in a while? Huh...I can't find...probably deactivated it...such a drama queen...still...she'd probably get a kick out of it if she saw me now......still no response from Megan though...probably still thinking of a way to get me back in the ring...yeah good luck with that...you don't deserve the satisfaction...still...it would be nice to kick her in the head one more time......and still no update from Ashley...I hope she's doing ok...then again...she'd probably be ashamed of what I've done to myself......at least I haven't seen Kenni in a while...I still need to pay her back for fucking my life up back then...but then again...it wasn't as bad as it is now......fuck I hope you never see me like this...
"fuck I hope you never see me like this"
Wait what's that? Oh...oh fuck did I just tweet that? Oh shit no delete delete delete delete......ok good......hope no one sees that......as if anyone would care even if they do see it......everyone's too busy scrolling through swimsuit photos anyway......oh god imagine me in a swimsuit? Yeah no thanks...doubt the old pair would fit me anyway......alright......just one more snack and then I'll begin my book...
Thirty seconds later...
FUCK!!!
Another thirty seconds later...
For fuck sake! How could I forget they're home? They literally got back like two minutes ago! Why am I so fucking stupid? Fucking hell! Note to self...never leave your room without any clothes again! Fuck me......well......now they know I'm awake......Brytain will probably want another chat with me......or worse......take me to the gym again......oh fuck no...not yet...I'm not ready...
*buzz*
Oh? Can't be bothered to come upstairs after me? Well good......oh......not good......well there go my plans for tomorrow......wait......what plans? Oh yeah, my fucking book, right? Yeah there's no point. I genuinely don't know what to do. I mean...seriously. How can a bitch like Trish write a book while I can't? Wait......you know what? Let me check......oh......well I might as well download her book...
"Hey kiddo!"
OH FUCK!!
"Oh...uhh...hi mom..."
"Got a minute to talk?"
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
"Uhh...yeah...sure..."
Oh fuck me here we go...
Thirty minutes later...
God. Fucking. Dammit. How did she know? How did she find out? I must have missed some trash...but I couldn't have...I was so thorough......maybe she checked the garbage bag? Yeah like she's that paranoid......I don't know man......I fucked up. I know I fucked up...but for fuck sake why did you have to cry like that? Now she's just gonna get me working harder than ever. Why does she have to be such a cunt about it though? So I ruined another diet, so what? It's not like I'm dying or anything...if I wanted to do that I would have killed myself months ago......wow...where the fuck did that come from? Ok......either way, she's right......I don't know how she knew about the antidepressants...is it that obvious when I don't take them? I don't know......maybe I'm just not meant to be happy? When I take them, I feel sick, but when I don't, I just spiral out of control. When I take them, I feel useless, and when I don't, I still feel useless. How is that even fair? How come people like Megan and Trish get to enjoy their lives while I just rot in a pool of my own misery? Oh yeah...that's right...because I'm a horrible person...a horrible person who lies to everyone...even her own family...
One minute later...
Well...might as well check Twitter again......wait......what's this?
"fuck me I love donuts"
I tweeted this? What the fuck? When did I tweet this? Today? What the fuck? No notifications...that's cool...but still what the fuck? Fucking delete that shit right now......my god why can't I remember that? That must......no......that's how she fucking knew! She didn't find out, I just told the fucking world......stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid you dumb stupid fucking bitch what the fuck is wrong with you? Well......this pretty much confirms it......you are the stupidest person on the planet......why would anyone read a book about someone as stupid as you? Fucking hell...whatever Brytain got planned for you tomorrow, you fucking deserve it. You fucking deserve every single moment of pain, agony and suffering you get, you fucking bitch! Maybe the world would be a better place if you just kill yourself! Goddammit......ok......umm......sorry......you know what? I......I should probably take these antidepressants now...
Five minutes later...
Oh god these pills suck! When will I ever get better at taking them? For fuck sake......well......I think Trish's book has downloaded......nothing else better to do right now I guess......let's have a quick read...
Thirty minutes later...
Wow. That...that was pretty much everything I expected it to be. Of course little miss perfect had to write a story about little miss perfect. Trish was always a spoiled brat...she always had her own way...she always used to hog the backseat of the bus with her friends...she always used to hog the one computer we had...she'd even get to choose what to watch on TV...and now look at her. The author of a popular book...I mean look at these reviews! Unbelievable......and look at that photo of her......my god she's beautiful. This is not fair......oh who the fuck cares anyway? What's so interesting about someone so perfect? What's the point of creating a character that's perfect in every single way? Oh look she's so perfect in every single way...blah blah fucking blah...people ain't like that in real life. There's no such thing as perfect in real life. Trish ain't perfect. I ain't perfect. No one is perfect. And you know what? No one should be. Perfect is boring. If you can have things your own way all the time, then what's the point of living? People don't care about perfect characters......characters should be flawed. They should have a purpose. They should have goals. They should have challenges to overcome. They should prove...that...they...are...not...quitters......damn...
...
This isn't real, is it? This perfect character...she's not real. Of course she isn't...that's why it's in the story......how do people do this? How do people write shit like this? Because it's not real......as much as I hate Trish, this story isn't about her...it's about a fictional character...a character that she'll never be...
...
Is this why people write? To escape from reality and pretend to be someone they'll never be? No...that can't be it...can it? It can't be that simple...no...I don't believe that......but then again......what does writing a story like that make you feel? Like it's all worth it in the end? Like all the ups, all the downs, all the good shit and all the bad shit to happen in your life, all leading up to this very moment, was worth it?
...
I don't get it. I'm so confused......so what's the point? Is it to escape from reality? To justify all the shitty things in your life? Or maybe.....just maybe......it's to create a better version of ourselves. Like Trish...maybe she just wants to be perfect, just like her main character......I don't know......maybe I need to do this...
...
Maybe I need to write this book...maybe I need to write about a better version of myself...someone who's actually in control of her life...someone who doesn't make stupid mistakes...someone who actually cares about herself...and her friends...someone who feels comfortable in her own skin...someone who knows what kind of person they really are...all these things that I'm not...or at least...
...
This is it. This is my escape. And this time, I'm not gonna quit.
...
"Chapter One."
Good start...
There. That'll show them. They all think I'm a quitter? Just because I don't wanna wrestle anymore, that doesn't make me a quitter. They don't know me. None of them know me. They'll be sorry when I write this book. Not that I care if they read it or not anyway, but still, if that bitch Trish thinks she can write a book then so can I. I mean......how hard can it be? I'll start in the morning......gotta finish up here first......ok......so how do I make obsidian?
The next morning...
Fuck...worst night yet...leg's fucking killing me...wish I still had my crutches......oh yeah right......got the laptop. Switching it on and...god take forever...alright and...oh wait hang on...ok now we're good to go. Just gotta check my phone a second...goddammit I hate these stupid glasses......alright nothing but bullshit......alright let's...
"Hey kiddo! You ready?"
Shit! Already?
"Yeah...just...hang on a sec..."
"You got five minutes before I carry your ass out of bed again!"
Fuck...thought I could start before the morning run. Why do I even need to do this again? It's not like I gotta keep fit for anything anymore......ok the laptop is locked, the charger's plugged in, I suppose I gotta get up......ah fuck...why do I have to keep a mirror in my room? I don't need to look at that every morning...god I'm so disgusting. Want another hamburger, piggy? Fucking oink......well these are the only shorts that don't stink of sweat so I guess these will do...still not easy tying these laces with this wonky leg......ok so laces tied, hair tied, top on, just one more adjustment...sunglasses...hell yeah...damn I still got it......alright let's do this...
Sixty minutes later...
Oh my god I hate running! What's the fucking point? Hated running even when I could actually walk properly! Pretty sure those kids were laughing at me too. Can't really blame them though. I mean look at me! Why did I pick the tightest shirt ever? Piece of shit keeps pulling itself up, as if everyone needs to see my muffin top......oh god I stink like death! Guess I'm burning these clothes too...alright time to hit the shower...
"Hey kiddo!"
HOLY SHIT!!
"What the fuck mom!?"
Does she seriously not care about my privacy?
"Have you taken your pills yet?"
What pills? I haven't...
"Oh. Yeah...I will after my shower..."
"Alright good."
Jeez Brytain, try knocking once in a while......right yeah of course, the antidepressants. The happy pills. How long have I been on them now? I can't remember. All I know is they suck! They're horrible to take and they just make me feel nauseous. Why do I even need......oh......oh yeah......right......ok time to shower...
Thirty minutes later...
Oh man I needed that...so fucking nice...and you know what? That article was right...you do get your best ideas in the shower! Well, that or the toilet......I think I'm ready to start that book now. First I just gotta...actually you know what? Screw it, I ain't changing. Just gonna hop back into bed and focus on my work. Oh good, the laptop's at full battery. That'll give me plenty of time to type shit up...wish it didn't take so long to load up though......alright, got my glasses, just gotta check my Twitter first...and no, nothing new? Figures. Why would anything be different? No one cares about you...not even yourself......shit I forgot the antidepressants!
Five minutes later...
Oh god! My fucking head! Why do these fucking pills make me so dizzy? You know what? Maybe some breakfast will help...
Twenty five minutes later...
Oatmeal. Fucking oatmeal. Of course it was oatmeal again. Why am I on this stupid diet again? Oh yeah that's right, because Brytain thinks I'm fucking fat, that's why! Apparently she can't love me for who I am! It's not like...I...I......I can't......I mean I...I can lose......oh god...
Fifteen minutes later...
I can't believe I threw up again. So stupid. So fucking stupid! And now Brytain's telling me to stay in bed...so stupid. It's those god damn stupid pills' fault. My body literally rejects the idea of anything making me happy......well......at least this is one way to lose weight......what is my fucking life?
Eight hours later...
Fuck...what time is it? Oh...oh god really? Again? How long was I out this time? Jesus fucking Christ those pills are ruining my entire life! I can't believe this...I'm supposed to be writing a book! I can't focus like this......I need something to eat...
Ten minutes later...
Leave me alone mom. Stop acting like it's the first time this has happened. I know she's worried about me...I just can't live like this. I'm supposed to be writing a book but I can't even get started because life is hell. I don't even have an idea anymore......oh god this yoghurt is so good......ok well I ain't getting out of bed anytime soon, so might as well come up with something now......ok so I definitely ain't doing an autobiography...my life isn't interesting enough for that shit...so how about something fictional? Zombie apocalypse maybe? Nah there's like a million of them already......what about the future? Yeah because that'll never get dated......what about a fantasy story? About dragons and shit? I don't know man...I had that one idea in the shower and now I can't remember! So fucking frustrating! I need a piss...
Three minutes later...
Alright. So how about a story about a knight on a quest for redemption? But what if the knight is actually a princess? Like a warrior princess or something. Maybe an army of orcs invaded her homeland so now she needs to get her revenge? Maybe she doesn't know that she's princess yet? What if she finds out, but chooses not to be a princess and stay a badass? Oh! And then she could have a sister she never knew about, and then she fights the princess because she thinks she betrayed the royal family? Nah not a sister, feels a little cliché. Her cousin maybe? Maybe the queen had a baby with another king or something? I don't know, doesn't sound interesting enough. What about...
"Oww!"
How did I bite my own tongue? Stupid girl! Oh great I've lost my track of thought. I wonder if there's any ice cream left...
Another three minutes later...
Half a tub? Sweet. Just as long as Brytain doesn't catch me......alright back to the story...ummm......you know what? Maybe some music will help...
One minute later...
Hell yeah. The best of Radiohead. Can't believe I never listened to these until now. God if I listened to these as a kid I probably would have killed myself......anyway back to the story...right so...what about a guy lost at sea? And not just any sea...what if it's a sea on an alien planet? Nah no one will like that......what about a giant monster attack? Like a giant gorilla or something? Don't be stupid that's already been done......what about time travel? Oh wait hang on...
"BUT I'M A CREEP......I'M A WEIRDO......WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? I DON'T BELONG HERE!!"
God that's so good! So deep! So relatable...hey...maybe that's it...it could be about someone struggling to fit in somewhere. Something relatable. I mean...fuck my life sucks...but maybe if I talk about the shit that makes my life suck, maybe someone will connect to it? And if it's about a fictional character and not me, then someone might actually care enough to read it? I mean...it's worth a shot, right? Alright let me just...oh? Finished already? Fuck that was quick. I'm not even full yet......ok let me see what else Brytain got in the kitchen...
Yet another three minutes later...
I still don't know where she buys them from, but I'm sure she won't notice two missing donuts. It's not like I eat junk food every day after all...can't go wrong with a tall glass of orange juice either. Wish I could have taken the bag of chips but I couldn't risk it. Too much noise. Alright now let's get comfy......oh hell yeah......ok so I'll start my book right after I'm done eating...well actually...let's see what's on Youtube first...might be something interesting...
Thirty minutes later...
God Pewds is so cute......ok I guess it's finally time to get started. Let's load up the laptop again...which is gonna take forever again...and...bingo. Now let's check Twitter before we start......oh......another episode of Millennium already? Ok just add it to the catch-up list...not ready to see the guys again yet......what else? Ok I don't even know who half of these people are. Why do new people keep following me? It's not like I'll add anything to their lives......ok I think I'm done. Time to...uh oh...be right back...
Ten minutes later...
Wow I can't believe it. Guess the ideas on the toilet thing was right too. Huh! Alright let's do this...just gotta load up the doc...ok here we go...
*buzz*
What? A text message? Oh...from mom. Too lazy to come up to my room again? Let's see...oh for fuck sake where did I leave my glasses? Ok got them. Right let's see...fancy watching a movie? Hmm...sounds like a pick-up line. Closest thing I'll ever get to a real date again, and it's with my fucking mom. What is my life? Well...I guess the book can wait a little bit longer. I'll just pick up where I left off later on. Ok so where did I leave my onesie...
Six hours later...
Fuck...where...where am I? It's so dark...why am I in bed? I thought I was...oh goddammit did I fall asleep on the couch again? For fuck sake what time is it? Oh shit! I wasted the whole day and I didn't even start my fucking book! And...oh...umm...did I throw that ice cream bucket out? If I didn't then I'm in serious trouble......well I need a glass of water so I guess I'm about to find out who threw it out...
Three minutes later...
Phew. Glad she wasn't there. Alright well I might as well get the laptop back out. Might as well not make this a complete waste of a day...ok well I might as well take a piss while it loads up...
Two minutes later...
Huh...why isn't it loading? Oh god did I forget to shut it down again? For fuck sake...well now I can't be bothered to plug in the charger. Goddammit......ok well I guess I'll start my book in the morning. Let's just try and get some more sleep...well actually...where's my phone? Hopefully the Twitter app actually works tonight......oh look at that, it's actually working now......and nothing as usual. Same old people, same old conversations, still no one reaching out...at least not until I actually tweet something...should I tweet something now? Nah not yet. I'll let them know once I actually make some progress. Prove to them I actually got something going on in my life...that I'm not this depressed quitter they all think I am......god this light really hurts my eyes, I should probably stop looking at this phone in the middle of the night...goddammit why is it always so stuffy in here? Let me just take this stupid onesie off...goddammit I can never get these pillows comfy enough...
The next morning...
Fuck...worst night yet...where's my undies? Why's my blanket on the floor? What time is it? Oh fuck...I should have had my morning run two hours ago...I hope Brytain didn't see me like this, god I feel like such a slob...
*buzz*
Oh my phone...I guess she left a message...oh...everyone's gone out today? So much for social distancing...well alright I'll take an empty house for the day...anything to give me peace and quiet for once. As long as they don't end up bringing another tiger back home......alright no distractions this time...no running, no shower, no breakfast, just me and my laptop. Just me and my book. Oh...but what about the antidepressants? Yeah...like I need to waste another day again. I'll just skip another day. No biggie. Alright let me just grab this blanket...plug in the laptop...and...ok this is it. Let me just check Twitter real quick...
Two minutes later...
Oh look who just liked my tweet about writing my book. Figures. Funny how he used to be my biggest crush...now he just feels sorry for me...everyone feels sorry for me. They won't once I finish my book though. I wonder how Ana's doing though...no...not yet...focus on this first. Gotta get this done. Gotta get started. Alright where's that doc? Oh yeah I haven't started yet...ok let's see here......umm......what was my idea again? Oh goddammit not again...think Tiff, think...
*knock knock*
Was that the door? Of course they have to order stuff while I'm the only one here! Ok hang on, let me just put something on...where's that big shirt?
*knock knock*
Alright hang on a second douchebag! Ok here it is...oh god what's happening? This was Coen's shirt, it used to go down to my thighs like a dress, why is it so small? It doesn't even cover the crotch anymore! I can't answer the door without pants! Where's my shorts?
*knock knock*
HOLD ON A SECOND YOU PIECE OF CRAP!! Oh fuck there they are...alright got them on. Brytain better owe me for this...
Two minutes later...
Oh yeah...forgot I ordered this...this game better be good......alright then...guess I'll start playing once we download all fifty gigabytes......let me just take this shirt off...stupid shirt must have shrunk in the wash or something...these shorts can fucking go too. Feeling like a sweatpants kind of day anyway, don't care what anyone says......alright time to start on this book...oh...hang on...I am kinda starving right now...better not skip another breakfast...
Thirty minutes later...
I wish I could actually cook. Still, I'll take butter toast over oatmeal any day of the week. You know...I should probably stop cheating on this diet. I shouldn't be lying to my family about it...but then again...you gotta focus on what makes you happy, right? Speaking of which, I should probably get back on my laptop. Let me just grab a glass of milk and then I'll bring my laptop down here for a change...
Five minutes later...
Alright, got my milk, got my laptop on the couch, let's finally get to work! Ok...so first of all, I need a new idea......let's see......wasn't I gonna do like a fictional version of myself or something? Or was it the warrior princess thing? Should the story even be about a girl though? Maybe I should make the hero a guy. Or should I make him an anti-hero? Maybe even a bit of a dickhead? Yeah...maybe he cheats on his girlfriend or something? Oh but wouldn't the story be better from the girlfriend's point of view? Yeah you're right...but then again we can focus on making the boyfriend try to make things right with the girlfriend? Yeah right...like that'll ever happen...as if he'll ever take her back now, not as she is now...besides he's probably forgotten all about her now...he deserves someone better than...wait...
*buzz*
Oh. Brytain again. Reminding me to take my antidepressants. Yeah unlikely. Gotta make some progress first. Anyway......I wonder if my new game is ready now? No...no not yet! Gotta focus. Gotta stay focused......you know...if this book is good enough, it could be made into a movie...maybe we should try to make the main character look as much like Chris Hemsworth as possible......no don't be stupid girl...but still...no don't! Stay focused. Must...stay...focused......you know what I need? I need some inspiration...
One minute later...
Let's check a few Youtube videos for ideas...well actually before I start, let me just check on my own video...haven't really uploaded anything since my birthday......well it ain't got any new views yet. I wonder if...oh...oh yeah...forgot I unlisted it. Guess I got too embarrassed about it. There goes my Youtube career......well......no. I ain't gonna make another video. No one needs to see me like this. I ain't going anywhere near a camera again......ok let's check out some of these videos......oh Pewds is doing another live stream? This I gotta see...
Two hours later...
God that game looks fun. Shame I don't know enough people who'd be interested in playing it. Anyway......huh......when did I get these chips? Didn't even notice eating them. Weird......anyway......holy fuck it's been two hours already? Shit I gotta get started on this book...
Another minute later...
Right. Ok. This is it. Time for a good idea. Alright...think girl...I should probably just do things I know about. Like wrestling or skating or something...yeah like when was the last time you thought about either of those things? Well...I mean...it could be about how I got into the wrestling business? We could even go as far back as the old foster home. Maybe we could base the main villain on that bitch Trish...or is that too obvious? I don't know...she thinks she's so great though...like she's the best thing to come out of that foster home. Big deal, anyone can write a book...I'd like to see her try being a wrestling champion for as long as me...oh my god imagine seeing her in the ring! Un-bloody-likely, but still, I'd pay billions to see that...
*buzz*
Oh. A Twitter notification? Oh...nah just stupid news update...bullshit. Anyway...man just give me five minutes in the ring with her. Just her and me. I'd show her a thing or two. I still got the moves. Still got the best goddamn superkick in the business. I mean come on! Check me out...
*click*
"FUCK!!"
Ok. Let's not do that again. Fucking hell that hurt. I know I ain't supposed to lift my leg high yet but for fuck sake! At least let me feel fit again, just once! Stupid body...
*thud*
"SHIT!!"
Oh come the fuck on...really? I can't even sit the fuck down without missing the couch completely? Seriously...how could I miss the entire fucking couch? A big fatass like mine and I still fucking miss! When did I get so fucking clumsy? Why can't things just go back to the way things were? Back when I could actually hide how miserable I am...goddammit I need a drink...where does Brytain hide her stash again?
Ten minutes later...
Damn...she must have moved it. Oh whatever...it's not like I need a drink anyway. It's fine...nothing that a few extra snacks can't fill...
Another ten minutes later...
Alright. These snacks should help me stay focused. Back to the......oh......I wonder if my new game is ready? Oh god these stairs suck......ok let's see......nope. Still another hour to go. Thank you shitty internet...ok back down we go...guess there's no more reason to delay things, right? Let's get back to work...
One minute later...
So this time, I'm gonna keep my fatass on this couch, and I ain't gonna move until I get something onto this stupid doc. Ok let me think......if I'm gonna do a story based on my life, I gotta think of some key moments in my life that I want to focus on...like...I don't know...remember that time Hunter took me to swim with those dolphins? I absolutely pissed myself that day...but he was there to make sure I was safe......oh Hunter......I wonder how he is? I should probably call him soon...I didn't deserve him in my life......or what about the first time I met Brytain? God...has there ever been a moment that doesn't involve me pissing myself? I don't deserve her in my life......maybe I could do something about Skylynn? Like that time she came on to me at that party? At least I think she did...I don't know that was so long ago now......or maybe I should just focus on my wrestling career? What about a parallel timeline where I focused on skating rather than wrestling? I hope Boaz is doing ok...
*beep*
Oh sweet, my pop tarts are ready...
Ten minutes later...
What am I doing with my life? Why am I even doing this? Do you honestly think anyone would actually care about anything you have to say? Everyone who saw that video just felt sorry for you. None of them really tried to help you, they just offered you help they knew you're in no shape to accept. Then again, what were you expecting? Why did I even make that stupid video? Probably for attention, right? Attention that you pretend you don't need, but attention that you clearly crave. Why else would you keep sending those stupid tweets about how miserable you are? You know, if all you want is attention, then why don't you just admit it? Maybe there's more to it? Maybe you actually want to be helped because you just don't have the power to help yourself? No, of course not, because that means admitting that you're weak. You're not weak. You have to stay strong. You were a champion for a reason. You held on to that title for as long as you did for a reason, and that reason is because you're strong. Or am I? Was I really strong? Or was I just desperate? Lucky too. I mean, as much as I hated having my personal life exposed to the whole world, it still ended up being the thing that kept me as champion...that is until the whole world realized how much of an idiot I really am. For fuck sake, why did I have to shoot that promo on Ana? Why did I have to shame my family the way I did? Why did I turn into such a monster?
*buzz*
Another message from Brytain...just making sure I'm ok...yeah right, of course I'm not. Why would I be ok? I've fucked everything up. My career, my health, my relationships...everything. I'm a failure. A fat, lonely, miserable failure. I know I need help...but how can I get help when I can't even help myself? I'm a fucking mess. I can't even face anyone outside this house without feeling ashamed of myself. All I got are these tweets, and even then, I feel so disgusted with myself. Melissa. Nora. Sky. Addison. Even Megan. I know you think you're helping, and I'm so sorry. I just can't accept this feeling like everyone's looking down at me, like you're all above me, looking down at this pathetic pile of shit I've become. I don't have any friends. For fuck sake, I'm not ok. I'm not ok at all. Why is this my life now? Why can't I fucking stop crying?
Twenty minutes later...
Oh fuck me......I haven't cried like that in a while......why does this always happen when I don't take my antidepressants? Goddammit......is there anything new on Twitter? Nope? Figures...you know what though? I don't think I'm ready to start this book yet......hmm......still half an hour left to download the new game......let's at least try to get a quick home workout going. Probably a few good workout videos on Youtube, right?
Thirty minutes later...
Oh god that was hard...probably should have put the yoga pants on first...I think my whole body is chafing right now......alright, that was my thirty minutes a day......let's put these pants in the washing basket and get into our brand new game! Fuck yes I can't wait...
Sixty minutes later...
This game fucking sucks...why does it take like twenty fucking bullets to kill one demon? Definitely not worth sixty dollars......ah well......it's not like I'm running out of cash anytime soon. That's at least one of the perks of being a successful wrestler...even if it only lasted a few years......still......I should probably start thinking about getting my own home soon. Pretty sure Mike and Brytain are ready to murder me by now......yeah because I'm competent enough to start living on my own. What would I end up doing with my life? Probably the same bullshit as today, right? Nah, I ain't ready......wait, what am I saying? I'm twenty years old! There are people my age who are married already and have children......oh as if you're any good with children? You're practically still a child yourself. I don't even get me started on relationships...I've been rejected by boys so much I can't even tell if I'm straight anymore......wait what the fuck? How did I fucking die? This game sucks...
Another sixty minutes later...
Holy shit this is the best game I've ever played! Better than all that mining crap...this is more like it! What a cool setting too! Demons from Mars taking over Earth? That's so badass! Hey...this could be what my new book is about. No one cares about me or my story, but maybe we can do this crazy sci-fi demon hunting story about this badass out for blood. Oh hell yeah I can see it now......then again......nah that's stupid......as if you could ever write anything that epic. As if you know anything about being a badass. No one's ever taken you seriously. Are you kidding me? Who would ever take someone like me seriously? Fuck, why did I have to be so short? Why couldn't I be this giant badass like Nora? God if she saw me now it would break her heart I know it......yeah because she's the only one you've disappointed......you don't even have the decency to face your own family......Andreas......Heather......they can never see me like this. They just can't. I just can't live with the guilt. I've already let them down enough...they'll be ashamed to call me family......god I'm such a pig...
Two hours later...
Phew! That was a good sesh. Such a good fucking game, can't believe I didn't buy it sooner......whoa wait......is that the time already? How long have I been playing? I haven't even started my fucking book yet! Jesus fucking Christ, way to go Tiff, you dumb bitch! I gotta work on this fucking book! I just got to......ok I'm keeping the laptop in bed with me, and I ain't leaving until I get something done. Ok......I wonder what the next level is gonna be like......no......concentrate Tiff, just concentrate......I'll probably spend my next upgrade tokens on the shotgun......goddammit stop it you idiot! Stop thinking about the damn game and focus on the damn story......but what the hell do I fucking write about? Goddammit why is this so hard? Why can't I do this? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just focus on this one little thing? Why can't I do anything right? Why is this my fucking life? I can't do this anymore! I can't...I just can't...
*buzz*
Ok. Calm down Tiff. That's just the phone. Another stupid news update. Wish I knew how to turn them off......definitely need the toilet though. Be right back...
Five minutes later...
There I am in the mirror again...oh god I'm hideous...no amount of make-up in the world could fix that face...you look more like an apple than a pear these days...probably should have showered this morning...I wonder what I'd look like with shorter hair? Probably a lot easier to look after it...probably won't look so obvious how much of a bad day I'm having...but then again...that would just be giving up again. Wouldn't be the first time though, right? I mean look at me......do I look like someone who still cares? I hate what I've become, but then again, what's the point of trying to fix it? I hated myself way before any of this happened to me. Way before I wrestled. Way before Hunter adopted me. What's the point of trying to fix it when you know you'll only end up hating what you become no matter what? The only two things that made me happy was fighting and skating, and now I can't do either......can you imagine my fatass in the ring like this? I'd be a fucking joke...not that I am already...and I'd probably break my board if I tried standing on it now. Where did all this weight even come from? I know I've always been kinda stocky but still...I was a fucking beast in the gym...now I can't even do a few stretches without losing my breath. I could go for days without eating anything...now I can't even go an hour without thinking about food...speaking of which...
Three minutes later...
Alright. Just one yoghurt and I'll be good to go again......you know......when you think about it......everything that's wrong with me isn't entirely my fault......the shit I found out about my mom...my real mom that is...I think a lot of it comes from her......lucky I have people in my life who actually give a fuck about whether I die or not, otherwise who knows where I might end up......probably in the same grave as her......do you think my real dad would come to the funeral? Probably not...I don't even know his name......he could be anyone......and god knows what fucked up things he passed down to me......I don't know......man I really have to start this book. Why is it so hard to get started? Why is it so hard to put my ideas on paper? They're so good when I think of them and they just disappear like a minute later. How does anyone write anything? How did that bitch Trish get to publish a book all by herself? Probably ghost writers...yeah that's probably it...maybe that's what I should...no...can't do that...it needs to be me. I need to be the one to write it. I can't give up. Not again. I mean...no...I didn't give up...I'm not a quitter...I'm...not...
*buzz*
Oh look. They'll be home in ten minutes......wait......fuck......did I clean up the trash downstairs? Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck if they see this mess I'm gonna be so fucked! They can't know how much I ate, they just can't......gotta hurry......fucking damn how much did I eat? I'm sure they ain't gonna notice how this stupid diet is making you even bigger than you are you lard-aaahhh fucking hell a stitch! I can't get a stitch now! Holy fuck......ok that should be it......just gotta get tie this garbage bag up...and...ok phew...no one needs to know...and with time to spare...that was close......now I just gotta go back to bed and hide my laptop. They can't know I was out of bed...
Two minutes later...
I hear the door. That must be them. Fucking hell...why do I have to keep lying to them like this? Why can't I just be honest and tell them how unhappy I am? Everything would be so much better if I didn't have to worry about this stupid diet......uh oh, someone's coming up......quick, pretend you're asleep...
Five minutes later...
Oh Brytain...why couldn't you have been my real mom? At least then I'd know what kind of person I am......god I am such a horrible person......why would anyone ever want to read a book by me? I'm a liar. I'm a slob. I'm a loser......ok she's gone now, you can stop pretending to be asleep now......oh but what's the point? I might as well sleep the rest of the day, right? What's the point of even getting up anymore? To write this stupid book? Yeah right...you can't even go a single day without doing something to ruin your life. Like seriously, what have I done all day? Besides whine about how miserable I am? Who would want to read anything written by a pathetic little whiner like you? Get real......I wonder what's on Twitter right now?
One minute later...
Nothing...nothing...still nothing. What did you expect? All I ever see are joke characters these days...everyone goes on Twitter for a laugh...or for drama...oh god the drama......remember how everyone reacted to that promo you did on Ana? Holy fuck that was bad......and yet......everyone sounded a little different when I posted that video on my birthday......almost like the only thing bad I've ever done was let myself go. It's like no one knows why I quit...I mean I didn't...but it's like...they don't know why I'm not coming back. I mean...why would anyone want me back? To bitch and cry some more about how no one takes me seriously? For more people to expose me for the disgusting piece of shit I really am? I tried my fucking hardest, and people would rather clap for a performing monkey than treat me like anything more than a sad little kid. You try your fucking hardest, and it doesn't change anything. So what's the point? What is actually the point? Why waste my time over a stupid book when everyone will just focus on the newest version of Curious Cat instead? Oh great...now I need a shit...oh well...so long comfy spot...
Another minute later...
Oh fuck......well......this might take a while......might as well go back on Twitter real quick......oh look, another photo of Skylynn. Better like that...make sure she thinks I'm not dead yet......wow......she's actually really pretty......after all the shit she went through, how the hell does she still look that good? It's not fair......all these girls are so gorgeous......whoa......how do you even make a pose like that? Then again......I guess I'd probably post a few pictures like that if I had a body like these......holy crap look at the size of those! I don't even know who this woman is! Why is she even showing up on my feed? Fuck me if I had......ugh...push Tiff push...ugh......if I had tits like that things would be a whole lot different......man if only all this extra fat went to my tits......all the boys would notice me then......oh who the fuck am I kidding? I'd probably scare them off again like I always do......where are all the boys by the way? Huh...feels like I only talk to girls on here...weird......oh for fuck sake why can't these stupid glasses stay on my face?
Nine minutes later...
Where's Britty's account? Haven't checked in on her in a while? Huh...I can't find...probably deactivated it...such a drama queen...still...she'd probably get a kick out of it if she saw me now......still no response from Megan though...probably still thinking of a way to get me back in the ring...yeah good luck with that...you don't deserve the satisfaction...still...it would be nice to kick her in the head one more time......and still no update from Ashley...I hope she's doing ok...then again...she'd probably be ashamed of what I've done to myself......at least I haven't seen Kenni in a while...I still need to pay her back for fucking my life up back then...but then again...it wasn't as bad as it is now......fuck I hope you never see me like this...
"fuck I hope you never see me like this"
Wait what's that? Oh...oh fuck did I just tweet that? Oh shit no delete delete delete delete......ok good......hope no one sees that......as if anyone would care even if they do see it......everyone's too busy scrolling through swimsuit photos anyway......oh god imagine me in a swimsuit? Yeah no thanks...doubt the old pair would fit me anyway......alright......just one more snack and then I'll begin my book...
Thirty seconds later...
FUCK!!!
Another thirty seconds later...
For fuck sake! How could I forget they're home? They literally got back like two minutes ago! Why am I so fucking stupid? Fucking hell! Note to self...never leave your room without any clothes again! Fuck me......well......now they know I'm awake......Brytain will probably want another chat with me......or worse......take me to the gym again......oh fuck no...not yet...I'm not ready...
*buzz*
Oh? Can't be bothered to come upstairs after me? Well good......oh......not good......well there go my plans for tomorrow......wait......what plans? Oh yeah, my fucking book, right? Yeah there's no point. I genuinely don't know what to do. I mean...seriously. How can a bitch like Trish write a book while I can't? Wait......you know what? Let me check......oh......well I might as well download her book...
"Hey kiddo!"
OH FUCK!!
"Oh...uhh...hi mom..."
"Got a minute to talk?"
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
"Uhh...yeah...sure..."
Oh fuck me here we go...
Thirty minutes later...
God. Fucking. Dammit. How did she know? How did she find out? I must have missed some trash...but I couldn't have...I was so thorough......maybe she checked the garbage bag? Yeah like she's that paranoid......I don't know man......I fucked up. I know I fucked up...but for fuck sake why did you have to cry like that? Now she's just gonna get me working harder than ever. Why does she have to be such a cunt about it though? So I ruined another diet, so what? It's not like I'm dying or anything...if I wanted to do that I would have killed myself months ago......wow...where the fuck did that come from? Ok......either way, she's right......I don't know how she knew about the antidepressants...is it that obvious when I don't take them? I don't know......maybe I'm just not meant to be happy? When I take them, I feel sick, but when I don't, I just spiral out of control. When I take them, I feel useless, and when I don't, I still feel useless. How is that even fair? How come people like Megan and Trish get to enjoy their lives while I just rot in a pool of my own misery? Oh yeah...that's right...because I'm a horrible person...a horrible person who lies to everyone...even her own family...
One minute later...
Well...might as well check Twitter again......wait......what's this?
"fuck me I love donuts"
I tweeted this? What the fuck? When did I tweet this? Today? What the fuck? No notifications...that's cool...but still what the fuck? Fucking delete that shit right now......my god why can't I remember that? That must......no......that's how she fucking knew! She didn't find out, I just told the fucking world......stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid you dumb stupid fucking bitch what the fuck is wrong with you? Well......this pretty much confirms it......you are the stupidest person on the planet......why would anyone read a book about someone as stupid as you? Fucking hell...whatever Brytain got planned for you tomorrow, you fucking deserve it. You fucking deserve every single moment of pain, agony and suffering you get, you fucking bitch! Maybe the world would be a better place if you just kill yourself! Goddammit......ok......umm......sorry......you know what? I......I should probably take these antidepressants now...
Five minutes later...
Oh god these pills suck! When will I ever get better at taking them? For fuck sake......well......I think Trish's book has downloaded......nothing else better to do right now I guess......let's have a quick read...
Thirty minutes later...
Wow. That...that was pretty much everything I expected it to be. Of course little miss perfect had to write a story about little miss perfect. Trish was always a spoiled brat...she always had her own way...she always used to hog the backseat of the bus with her friends...she always used to hog the one computer we had...she'd even get to choose what to watch on TV...and now look at her. The author of a popular book...I mean look at these reviews! Unbelievable......and look at that photo of her......my god she's beautiful. This is not fair......oh who the fuck cares anyway? What's so interesting about someone so perfect? What's the point of creating a character that's perfect in every single way? Oh look she's so perfect in every single way...blah blah fucking blah...people ain't like that in real life. There's no such thing as perfect in real life. Trish ain't perfect. I ain't perfect. No one is perfect. And you know what? No one should be. Perfect is boring. If you can have things your own way all the time, then what's the point of living? People don't care about perfect characters......characters should be flawed. They should have a purpose. They should have goals. They should have challenges to overcome. They should prove...that...they...are...not...quitters......damn...
...
This isn't real, is it? This perfect character...she's not real. Of course she isn't...that's why it's in the story......how do people do this? How do people write shit like this? Because it's not real......as much as I hate Trish, this story isn't about her...it's about a fictional character...a character that she'll never be...
...
Is this why people write? To escape from reality and pretend to be someone they'll never be? No...that can't be it...can it? It can't be that simple...no...I don't believe that......but then again......what does writing a story like that make you feel? Like it's all worth it in the end? Like all the ups, all the downs, all the good shit and all the bad shit to happen in your life, all leading up to this very moment, was worth it?
...
I don't get it. I'm so confused......so what's the point? Is it to escape from reality? To justify all the shitty things in your life? Or maybe.....just maybe......it's to create a better version of ourselves. Like Trish...maybe she just wants to be perfect, just like her main character......I don't know......maybe I need to do this...
...
Maybe I need to write this book...maybe I need to write about a better version of myself...someone who's actually in control of her life...someone who doesn't make stupid mistakes...someone who actually cares about herself...and her friends...someone who feels comfortable in her own skin...someone who knows what kind of person they really are...all these things that I'm not...or at least...
...
This is it. This is my escape. And this time, I'm not gonna quit.
...
"Chapter One."
Good start...