Post by Deleted on May 24, 2019 2:16:23 GMT -6
Victoria (voice over): Ever have a feeling that what you have isn't what you want? Or that what's been the status quo is no longer making you happy? That's been me... professionally... and personally. Two years ago, I was the GCW World Champion and unquestionably one of the best wrestlers in the company. I had just won my second flagship main event of two that I wrestled there and I seemed to have it all: the world championship, the glory of once again coming through on the biggest stage under the brightest lights... I was living the dream in the middle of my 4th world championship reign. I'd lose but regain the title in the coming months, only for reign #5 to end three months later and last year, I was inducted into their hall of fame, on my wedding day.
But what if I told you that it wasn't I wanted? Or that I felt I had nothing left to give GCW anymore? Or that I never felt like I fit in with HYBRID Wrestling?
What if I told you that the chapter I was writing at the time was something I was so miserable with? My personal life is something that has become very metaphoric with my career... and said embarrassment of what would become a one-month marriage really personified this.
Flashback: January 2017
Victoria Salinas finds herself to be a bit downtrodden as she finds herself at an outdoor party at a skate park somewhere in Florida, Strangely, there is a definite engagement party going on and even though it's her own, she seems like she is completely miserable. There's no smile on her face, at least while her then-fiance is nowhere in sight at the moment. She glances at a banner saying “Congratulations Axl & Victoria” on it and doesn’t smile at it, narrowing her eyes in a bit of a wince as her heart is telling her that something doesn't feel right. Instead, she lets out a soft sigh as she stands up and walks away from the scene in a deliberate attempt to get away from the engagement party. She gets far enough away to where she’s able to find herself near a baseball diamond when someone catches up to her.
Voice: Hmm… it’s odd when the bride-to-be is taking a breather from her own engagement party…
Victoria turns around, surprised to see her old boss, old manager and current friend Julia Rivera leaning against a small fence that overlooks the baseball diamond.
Victoria: What are you doing here, Julia?
Julia: The same reason why you’re here. You can’t stand this party. I don’t blame you. An engagement party? At a skate park? Really? You’re embarrassed.
Victoria: Yeah… I am. I didn’t want to rent out the fanciest Sheraton in existence but GOSH… this is just…
Julia: Not what you wanted?
Victoria: Certainly not the engagement party I wanted…
Julia: No, I’m not talking about the party. I’m talking about… Axl…
Victoria: Don’t be ridiculous, Julia.
Julia: Vicky, I know you. I can tell when you’re unhappy. Instead of enjoying yourself and trying to have fun… skate park or not… you’re here talking to me about how you’re embarrassed to even have this engagement party at a skate park. You don’t have to marry him you know. If you really don’t want to… don’t. I mean… you DO want to… right?
Victoria: ...Julia, seriously?
Victoria at this point is either oblivious to the fact that Axl isn't what she wants or in denial of said fact, though she wasn't exactly sure what the feeling actually is.
Julia: It’s a simple question. I don’t like Axl. I think he’s far too much of a “big kid” for you and not even close enough to a man. Straight up girl, you're too good for him. He’s never going to satisfy your needs because your personalities couldn't be more opposite. He’s never going to be the rock that you wanted. He’s never going to lift you up when you’re feeling down. Half of the time he was talking about you during your speeches about each other, he spent talking about sex or making jokes at your expense. There’s a reason why BOTH of your parents disapprove of this. Intrusive or not, they know you and they know that you and him aren't compatible with each other. But, if you want to marry him despite all that… go for it. You don’t HAVE to…
Victoria: But I want… but… I… do I?
Victoria narrows her eyes and winces some more.
Julia: You’re not even sure, are you?
Victoria: I’ll talk to you later…
Julia: Vicky… just say it!
Victoria ignores Julia as she walks back to the engagement party… and the lie she would ultimately force herself to live over the next year or so.
Victoria (voice over): My last promotion and my ex-husband are oddly synonymous in some ways. Both treated me well, but I felt like it was all an awkward fit for me. I wasn't TOTALLY miserable but I wasn't feeling fulfilled either. I moved on realizing that the longer I tried to make something fit, the less happy I'd be. At this stage of my career, the thing I want the most is a sense of belonging. Yes, titles and glory will come along with that, but what I want and need is an experience that is going to fulfill and enlighten me and make me happy. Still... I have so much to learn... especially about my own mistakes...
Date: March 6, 2019
Dr. Montgomery: So tell me about Axl…
Victoria: Do we REALLY need to talk about that?
Victoria is in Dr. Montgomery’s (her therapist) office as she looks uncomfortable about the subject, even now. It is clear that even 8 months after her divorce, the subject is still having somewhat of an effect on her.
Dr. Montgomery: Well, for a while he was a big part of your career, your life…
Victoria: It’s just… my regret meter with him… enormous. We were friends before… about 9 years ago when we met on the set of my mentor’s cameo appearance in a skateboarding movie. He was a stunt double. We met, hit things off, became friends, then spent a few years without seeing each other. He resurfaced as a wrestler in GCW, we crossed paths, got together and really, the first couple of months were great… honestly. Then I just… I felt weird… I felt like I didn’t belong with him…
Dr. Montgomery: When did this start?
Victoria: GCW’s first show of 2016, I fought someone he was feuding with to a draw, he had to come out and save me and I felt pretty inadequate… honestly. It… it affected my confidence in that ring for months. 2016 was probably my worst year in professional wrestling. He ended up getting concussed at a house show that summer and I felt like it was all my fault so I got super depressed. It was a whole bunch of things. At first, I felt like I didn’t belong with him because I wasn’t good enough for him or that we didn't belong together. Then we got engaged… we had our engagement party and… those feelings got stronger and a month later, UWA has their big Collision Course event and… he tried to play white knight again… I just… it was… it was too much for me. It was that night in Vancouver in UWA where I realized that yes, I didn’t belong with him. But it wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough for him… it was because I didn’t want to be with him at all.
Dr. Montgomery: So why go through with the engagement and the wedding after you realized you felt that way?
Victoria: I felt like I had already made the commitment so I had to go through with it. I made the mistake in believing that marriage would make me feel a connection to him. Despite my parents disapproving him, despite friends… and to be honest, enemies… alike telling me that I was too good for him, I stuck with it. He quit wrestling and I thought that would also help. Only… there I was… the night of my wedding… the night of my GCW Hall of Fame induction no less… in bed crying myself to sleep realizing I married the wrong guy and made an awful mistake. A month later… I left him. I grabbed my things from his house in Florida, told him what was going on... probably one of the most INTENSE conversations I ever had in my life knowing that I was doing something for myself, that I needed to do... but to do it, I had to hurt another person and it REALLY sucked the soul out of me and suddenly, in the GCW locker room, I was the biggest bitch in the company which made my already-planned departure feel really awkward. I regret hurting his feelings… but I don’t regret leaving him. I just... haven't come to terms with the whole thing and I wonder if it's affecting my career, even now.
Dr. Montgomery: Vicky… I’m going to be a little brutal with my honesty here. I am not, in any way, discounting the notion that you weren’t in love with him because that can happen with any relationship. I understand you felt like he wasn’t the guy for you. But the truth is… you cut yourself off from him over your career. You didn’t want to share the spotlight with him because it made you feel inadequate. You were embarrassed by the notion of him being that “white knight” for you or the idea of him saving you when you were in trouble. He was doing what anyone would do for their girlfriend or fiancee. You can’t blame him for that. At the end of the day, even though you didn’t mean it, even though you didn’t intend it, even though you didn’t realize it… you were being shallow over that entire relationship because you hated how it was affecting your career... or should I say, STILL affecting your career. Guilt... is very crippling at the end of the day and perhaps that guilt is what is crippling your career right now.
Victoria: Gosh… putting it that way… it sounds like I was so selfish… like that whole relationship was my fault!
Dr. Montgomery: That’s not what I’m saying, Victoria. It wasn’t your fault. It’s hard to be selfish when you weren’t even thinking about your own happiness. You stuck with him for how long despite being clearly miserable with him? It's not the relationship that is crippling you, it's the guilt over how you went about it and how it ended that did. I'm sure by this point, things have happened or things have been said that have shed even more light on this and that have proven to you that you really didn't belong with him.
Victoria: As a matter of fact... yes. But, If I could do it differently… I would have broken up with him back in January of 2016, when I first began to feel like I didn’t belong with him
Dr. Montgomery: You wouldn’t have made more of an effort to open up to him and let him in? You wouldn’t have tried to let your hair down, loosen up a little and allow him to be part of your life instead of pushing him away so subtly?
Victoria shakes her head.
Victoria: I never loved him, despite my best efforts to. I just never felt like he was someone that I would let into my life on such a personal level. Sorry if that makes me sound like a bitch...
Dr. Montgomery: It doesn’t and being honest is all that matters right now.
Victoria: If you don’t love someone, you don’t love someone. I could have opened up my entire heart to him and let him in… but the result is the same because I never loved him.
Victoria sighs.
Dr. Montgomery: Being so high-strung about your career didn’t help the situation either.
Victoria: No it didn’t… even if the outcome remains the same. But I’ve learned something from that experience today and that’s that I should trust myself to open up better… especially to people that I love. I need to quit holding back and I need to LIVE… I need to define myself by who I am… not JUST by what I do in a wrestling ring. And also… I need to stop closing myself off to people… because doing so will only hurt them in the end… even if I never want to or mean to…
Dr. Montgomery: And I think that’s a great takeaway from this, Victoria. By the way, congratulations on your recent engagement.
Victoria: Thanks… even if I feel like… I kind of don’t deserve it?
Dr. Montgomery: Just because you made mistakes with Axl doesn’t make you less deserving of love than anyone else. I just hope, for your sake, that you enjoy the moment instead of feeling awkward about it because of what happened before. You deserve better than that… and you and I can both agree that Gavin certainly deserves better than that.
Victoria stands up from her chair.
Victoria: I’m definitely not disagreeing with you there. See you later…
Victoria sighs before she leaves the office glad to have taken a step to move past one of her mistakes that had hovered over her like a dark cloud for some time.
May 1, 2019
Victoria is sitting on her living room couch taking a deep, relieved breath as she sets her phone down on the couch. Julia, who is visiting her at this point, comes into the room and sits next to her on the couch.
Julia: Everything alright?
Victoria: I just got off the phone with HYBRID. I got the release that I wanted. It was nothing personal against them, but I felt like I didn't fit in very well. I had to close off this chapter before things got worse and before things got to the point where I was just plodding along and not giving my best. It wouldn't have been fair for me or for them. I learned my lesson from my former marriage pretty damn well I'd say...
Julia: Good. I'm glad you did.
Victoria: I just hope that things begin to get better from here. The last couple of years have been an anxious struggle for me...
Julia: Hey, you know that with you... whenever you have your storms like you're having right now... you always endure them and come out of them stronger than ever. Whoever you wrestle for next is going to be incredibly lucky to have you, I promise.
Victoria smiles at this knowing the validity of this statement as the future of her career begins to come to mind.
Victoria (voice over): So here I am... ready to make my Millennium debut soon and through the struggle of the last couple of years, and remembering all the struggles I had to get to this point, those even worse than this current one... I know that things can only get better... and I'm going to do the best I can to ensure that they do!