You’re Important To Me

When Paizlee didn’t show up at training today or answer any of his text messages, Noah Torres got worried and then angry and then annoyed. With her, “3 Face” Razor Wolf, himself and the whole damn thing. Though he went about his day as per usual with training and all that, his mind was definitely elsewhere, constantly checking his phone when he could. Last night didn’t go so well when he and Razor Wolf went from passive aggressive jibes about something so trivial as song lyrics on Noah’s photo caption to trading direct stinging jabs again that almost led to another physical fight like the one they had just a few weeks ago.

Except the tension between Noah and Razor was different this time as Razor seemed genuinely upset, accusing Noah of trying to ruin his new friendship with Paizlee. But Noah was adamant on warning her to stay away from him just because he didn’t trust him, claiming he was shady and hiding something big and dirty underneath his two masks. So when she went after Wolf, Noah had never felt so hurt and disappointed. It was like she stabbed him right here in his heart.

But she finally answered him hours later in the evening, saying she’d been sleeping (and talking?) in her room the whole time. He asked multiple times if she was okay but she avoided answering, later saying she didn’t know. She herself asked if he was still mad at her which he also avoided, eventually saying he didn’t know either. So she invited him over to talk things out.

Running a frustrated hand through his freshly showered hair, Noah stuffed his phone into his Chicago Blackhawks pants pocket then grabbed a plain black hoodie on his way out of his room. As he slipped it on, he walked towards Paizlee’s room with each step weighed down by the thoughts that’d been swirling in his head all day. Before he knew it, he found himself standing at Paizlee’s door. He gave a quiet but sharp exhale then gave it a couple knocks.

The argument from the day before was still fresh in Paizlee’s mind, which by and of itself was somewhat of a miracle since usually she dulled anything painful or upsetting as soon as it happened. Her frustration at Wolf and Noah arguing had turned to anger when the pair went beyond some off handed comments and diverted towards another showdown. She felt responsible for what happened, in trying to build a tenuous friendship between the two she instead pushed too hard - almost having to choose, which was something she didn’t feel equipped or prepared to do.

She was still wearing her clothes from the day before, needing to shower and change at some point but the single micro-dose she’d had access to earlier in the day hard worn off and by the time she made it back to her room and turned her phone on, the concerned texts and tweet from Noah had taken all of her attention so she quickly forgot to shower, or take her “medicine.” Was she ok? She really didn’t know and didn’t have time to dwell on it as a knock at the door pulled her focus back to the present.

“S’open.” Her voice had only a trace of her usual jovial and easygoing nature, instead she sounded tired and gravelly. Sitting on her bed with her back propped against the wall, knees to her chest and her chin resting there as she looked towards the door. As soon as she saw him, her mood shifted as was almost always the case whenever Noah was around. “Hi.”

She offered him a small smile from where she was sitting, her eyes scanned over him, trying to read that stoic and controlled nature he always held. It only occurred to her how awful she felt about their own small argument when she finally saw him again. She made a mental promise to herself to never argue with him again.

He stepped inside, surveying the room quickly before looking back at her. He frowned a little, seeing her in this state. This wasn’t the same Paizlee he knew and he immediately wondered if Razor had anything to do with it. Tensing his jaw, he slowly approached her and sat on the edge of her bed to look at her. There was hesitation but also concern in his voice as he gently brushed her hair back that was covering her face.

“Hi, how are you feeling? Want me to get you something?”

She looked up at him with a soft sigh, a half smile pulling at her lips as she shook her head no. One hand moved from her knees and grabbed his hand, fingers really and squeezed.

“Like I keep forgetting where I’m supposed to be.” The answer made sense to her, thoughts like a jumble of bees buzzing around in her brain as she tried to pick one, the right one. “I’m sorry I said you were being a jealous jerk.”

Why had she said that? She wasn’t sure, he was trying to look out for her. Surely she could understand that with the history between the two, he would be concerned for her safety. It wasn’t like Paizlee was particularly good and seeing danger before it was already right upon her. Chaotic impulses generally didn’t allow for a lot of forethought, but that was also why she had said it. Filterless.

“It’s wearing off and I can’t find the key.” Her little emergency baggie was empty, she was almost out of her supply and right now she couldn’t remember where the last of it was. She should’ve come back to her room last night, but she hadn’t been thinking straight. Too frustrated. Too upset.

He sighed, still holding her hand. He wasn’t exactly sure what she was referring to about the first and third things but the second one made him wince. He remembered how much that had bothered him. He didn’t understand why she said that and normally when he would get confused with the sometimes random things she said, it would amuse him but this one? It stung. Was he being too hard? Controlling? He definitely didn’t mean to if it came off that way but something about Razor just didn’t sit right with him and he just couldn’t shake it off.

“Apology accepted. But I’m sorry too for getting you upset. I was just looking out for you, Paiz,” he paused to study her face again, his face softening more now with growing concern, “Also what exactly is wearing off? And what key?”

She dropped her knees and leaned forward to rest her head on his shoulder, a weary and tired movement. It allowed her to practically whisper when she answered him, her hands turned palms up to the sky.

“The stuff that makes me sparkle…” a knit of her brows as she frowned, glaring at her open empty hands with slow annoyance. “I forgot where I put it while I was away.” Even as she whispered those words, head to his shoulder and her body slow and lazy in its movements she laughed. The kind that just barely sounds like one, trailing off into a thought.

“I know… I know.” Was she trying to reassure him or herself? Of course she knew he was only looking out for her, she would do the same if the roles were reversed. She couldn’t bear the idea of him getting hurt again, flipping that back on herself; she understood all too well why he objected to her new friend. “Always looking out for me, doeeyes.”

Even in its soft, exhaustion filled state her tone was still melodical, almost singing her nickname she had for him. Looking up into those warm eyes of his as she said it. He chuckled at the nickname, averting his gaze for a second before looking back at her. When she first called him that, he didn’t know if he liked it. It made him feel soft and vulnerable and he was already so self-conscious in the academy. All the nicknames and mocking from their fellow students, especially Razor and Nathan, about his aloofness. Never mind the fact that he was also known as the son of former MWE commentator. It seemed like it didn’t matter what he did or said, he would just be the butt of jokes. But he knew Paizlee didn’t mean anything malicious with the nickname which was why it was growing on him.

He gave her a small smile as he helped to pull her up next to him, shoulder to shoulder. “What makes you sparkle, Paiz, is already in you. It’s not the stuff. It’s you,” he took her hand and close it, holding it in his, “and that’s why I was worried last night and earlier today. I look out for you because I care about you, Paiz.”

She kept her eyes on his, her fingers entangling with his as she squeezed his hand, her expression softening into something less frustrated and confused. She didn’t process the same as most people, her emotions and experiences so compartmentalized for survival that it sometimes gave her pause. His words swam about her head, the buzzing turned down. Muffled by what he said as she half closed her eyes with a flutter of them, an unintentional physical acknowledgment of the withdrawal she was already suffering.

Her vices weren’t like most, she couldn’t replace one with another and still feel like herself and the more than slipped, the more these two worlds kept overlapping the more she felt like she was surrendering control without permission. His hand holding hers felt grounding. An anchor holding her to the moment and not letting the past take over the seconds as they ticked by.

“I care about you too.” Filterless and honest as she offered him a smile instead of a frown. “And I don’t like when it’s all… messed up. I just had to see, had to know that I saw what I saw and I did.” Mixed in with the little spots of rambling was the truth, the sense behind her actions last night. “It helps me sparkle, you know? All mixed in to make it right… sorry I worried you, I never mean to disappear. Sometimes time just skips right past me. But as long as you’re looking I can find my way back.”

He tilted his head a bit, raising his eyebrows. “Um saw what? Are you saying something happened last night?” He meant if she had actually gone to see Razor which he assumed she did but couldn’t bring himself to even mention the guy that’s been the bane of his life recently.

“Saw him, the him that’s more than the him in words.” She studied his face again, the question seemed to ask more than she understood it to, but whatever else lay behind it was beyond what she could read. “Happened?” She repeated the word back to him as a question of her own. She had gone to see him, slept there and persisted in pulling his guard down, reopening the friendship that had begun days before. But nothing had happened, not that Noah needed to protect her from. “Nothing happened, I just looked and I saw.”

For some reason, the memory of ripping Razor’s mask that time during their fight flashed in Noah’s mind. He started to tense up again, his lips a grim line on his face. But he didn’t see what Paizlee did, what he saw was just another mask underneath. He stared at her, trying to decipher her words.

“Did you…” he started but then stopped, suddenly unsure. Even though she said nothing happened, he doubted it. But he didn’t know how to express all the thoughts that now flooded his head. Yet he was going to try anyway.

He spoke again, making sure to say it slowly more so for his own benefit, “What did you see? His… face?”

She felt his body language change, the tension in his muscles heightening and his expression shifted. She had seen his face, she had asked and promised, but she didn’t know how to explain that to Noah without it sounding like more, why it mattered if it sounded like more? She didn’t want to press too hard on that thought when she was already struggling to keep hold of the ones that needed answering.

“I saw what he would show me, but it’s a promise, my word.” How else could she explain it? It wouldn’t be right or fair of her to break a promise made to a friend, made to someone who had let himself trust her when he didn’t trust anyone.

She moved the hand not in his, pressing a fingertip to the side of his mouth where that solemn expression sat. Leaning her head back a little more to really stare up into his face, her eyes searching his deeper than before. The weight of her limbs forgotten for a second.

“Nothing happened.” She repeated her words not as a whisper but as a promise, soft and intentional.

“Okay,” he said. Her tone and gaze felt very assuring, he didn’t care anymore about wanting to know what exactly he showed her. He felt like he was intruding so he backed off. At least he didn’t lose her. That was all he was worried about, or maybe afraid of. Suddenly noticing how she’s like poking his face and staring at him, he asked, “Um… are you okay?” Probably a dumb question, considering she’s still going through whatever this was. But he wanted to know.

“No?” A question more than an answer, her finger dropping down to rest a hand on his chest. “Maybe.” She breathed the word into existence, finding a little touch of energy somewhere in his acceptance of her half explanation. “Hmm..” she added, smiling now and leaning in a little closer to narrow her eyes, staring into his still. “You’re important to me, Noah.”

She never really used his name, but this time she did, hand on his chest and her eyes so full of intense honesty and warmth she couldn’t have hidden it if she wanted to. Paizlee shook her head no, just ever so slightly. She probably wasn’t alright, but it didn’t feel quite so important that she be so, not right now.

“Maybe even the most important of all.”

Since day one of the Academy, she had somehow managed to break through his wall and though he had found it a little irritating at first only because she kinda always made him say more words than he wanted, their bond just kept growing. But this moment right here, they had never been this physically close to each other and the tension from last night was nothing compared to this one, at least to Noah. He wasn’t sure what to make of it. And he knew he hadn’t said a single word for a long moment now but he’s just lost in the way she’s looking at him. Maybe whatever time vortex that she was stuck in had now gotten him too. He still didn’t know what to say but he slowly reached out to brush her hair back, gently tracing his fingers along her cheek, waiting to see if she would pull away.

She should have pulled away completely, should have panicked the moment she felt the atmosphere change and the tension between them shift, she hadn’t let anyone be this close to her in so long that she had forgotten what it felt like. That quick skip her heart made when his fingers traced her cheek. The odd but unmistakable feeling that came from the warmth of his skin on hers. She should have paused, or stopped it. But she didn’t want to and that was new.

She closed that last breath of distance, touching her lips to his in a hesitant, uncertain kiss. She didn’t linger or press, just a brief wordless expression of just how important he was to her and just how close she was allowing him to get.

And the guilt she expected to feel didn’t come, some angry ghost of her past didn’t cause her world to combust. For the first time since it had been the very last time she had let herself give in. And even though the word hadn’t ended, she still couldn’t take a breath, just waiting to see if she had ruined it all.

The kiss surprised him but only because she did it first and when he sensed the hesitation, he gently asked, still cupping her face, “Did you regret that?” Smiling a little, he tried to make it light-hearted so as not to make things too awkward.

“No.” She exhaled finally, the no coming out a little louder than she had intended to. All of the tension she was holding in her body was able to relax just a little. “Are you sorry I did?” Her smile was more curious, her tone equally so.

“Nah.” He grinned before leaning in to kiss her back. As soon as he was sure she was okay, he didn’t hold back, which was not how he normally was. But with her, there’s just something that kept pulling him back. The unsureness from before, the not knowing what to say, seemed to have just melted away. And he was okay with that. He had already grown to let loose and show more of him, the parts that he subconsciously hid for whatever reason, whenever he’s around her. The kiss itself was gentle but sincere and when he finally pulled back, he rested his forehead against hers. “You’re important to me too, Paizlee.”

When he kissed her, what was left of her own hesitation was pushed from her mind, all of the ways she had been holding onto the past, using those memories as a shield of sorts… they were dropped, for the first time she felt completely in the moment and she gave herself into it. Only realizing just how much she needed it as it happened, just how important he was to her. And she didn’t feel like she had to hide from those feelings anymore.

Opening her eyes when he pulled back, settling them on his again she smiled. No half smile or tentative smirk, surrendering to the pull between them, losing herself in those doe eyes she adored. “I’m not even gonna ask if you regret that, just that you do it again.”

He chuckled, caressing her soft cheek as he looked back at her. “Again? Gladly.” And so he did, pulling her in more. The kiss started off soft and warm but definitely certain now.

He never would’ve guessed that he would be kissing her right now after what happened last night but their friendship had always been like one adventure after the next. There’s always the unexpected with her and him being the more reserved, the more careful one, it seemed odd that he would be this drawn to her. But everywhere she went, he always found himself following. And now there’s this new twist in their ever growing connection, Noah had no idea where it was heading but as always he was willing to see where it would take him even if it was a little scary. And for now, he was okay with that, with the not knowing, as long as he was with her.