Post by paizlee on Nov 13, 2024 11:30:25 GMT -6
Paizlee had felt responsible for the argument between Noah and Razor, both of them were friends of hers and she cared about them deeply. Noah was still holding onto the anger he felt towards Razor and, like any good friend would, he felt protective over Paizlee. The two men were just not meant to be friends, the truth was that had nothing to do with Paizlee but she felt responsible all the same. Which is how she had ended up outside Razor’s room prepared to sleep in front of the closed door it if came to it.
Instead she had ended up asleep in his bed, his insistence that he would sleep in the lounger and she sleep there hadn’t been enough and he’d had to bargain a hug and then potential to talk about things in the morning before she agreed. And that’s where she woke up, tucked up in his bed, rolling over to look at the lounger where ‘WolfBoi’ was sleeping.
Had he slept in those masks? Her head felt heavy like it was full of rocks and as she blinked him into focus, the weight of the world landed on her shoulders to match. It had been hours since she’d had anything and the wicked touch of reality that reached her thanks to accidental sobriety was already creeping in. Paizlee sat up in the bed, her hand grabbing at the bracelet on her wrist.
”Razor?” She didn’t want to just leave, even with that sick wave of sadness rising like the tide ready to drown her. ”Razor!” Louder this time, her voice raspy and full of sleepy tones, she tried to wake him up.
Razor heard the knock. A familiar melody wrapped in the knock pattern. He looked up from his gear, which he was meticulously checking over for any imperfections. Razor was methodical like that; everything had to be perfect. But the upbeat knock was a contrast to his serious nature.
Razor shifted in the lounger, groggy and slightly disoriented as he heard Paizlee’s voice. He opened his eyes, feeling the weight of the mask he’d slept in, a choice he’d made as a reminder of the walls he kept firmly in place. He turned, his gaze sharp, guarded even in the dim light as he looked over to the bed where Paizlee sat, clutching at her bracelet.
”You’re up early, Paizlee. Thought you’d have snuck out by now.”
He kept his tone light, but there was an edge to it, a subtle reminder of the barrier he’d worked so hard to keep between himself and anyone who dared get too close. The memory of their last encounter, of letting his guard slip, hung heavily between them. ”You know… last night, that whole scene with Noah... it was a wake-up call. Not that it’s any newsflash, but having friends, people close? It’s a distraction. One I don’t need.”
He paused, his gaze momentarily softening before hardening again. ”But you? Coming here, staying outside the door if I hadn’t let you in? You’re relentless, Paizlee.”
He let out a dry chuckle, but the guarded look remained, his eyes studying her, waiting for her reaction, yet almost daring her to push back.
There was something softer, quieter about her than usual. As she slowly sat up properly in the bed, glitter and eyeliner still on her eyes, her longe blonde hair a little messier than usual. She could see the distance in his eyes, his attempts to push her away. Even as the pain of sobriety burned in her chest she shook her head.
”I know what I felt, WolfBoi…” still a groggy tone, her hand grasping the bracelet still even as she met his eyes. ”And Noah acted like a jerk, I told him so too… I’m not about to let you hide away again.” She shifted in the bed, turning to face him slowly, as she moved her body seemed to be heavier than usual.
”I’ve already lost enough for a lifetime, I won’t let that happen again.” Her eyes broke away from his and she looked at her hand, clutching to what was left for dead life. ”I’m not going away til I see you smile again, even if that means sleeping here every day til we graduate.”
Razor held her gaze, feeling a twinge beneath his usual armor as Paizlee sat up, her voice soft. There was a vulnerability there, one that unsettled him and made him want to look away, maybe even run. But he stayed, his guarded expression flickering as she held onto the bracelet like it was her lifeline.
”Paizlee… I don’t need saving, especially not from myself.” He looked away, his hands tightening into fists before he forced himself to relax. She didn’t understand, he thought; no one could. That darkness inside him was his to carry, and anyone who got close would only get dragged down with him.
But when he looked back, seeing her resolve, he felt his defenses slip, just a fraction.
With a deep breath and a quiet sigh, Razor replied, ”I know you mean that. You and your damn persistence, your glitter and bracelets, barging into my life like… like you belong there.” His tone was rough, but there was a hint of something softer underneath. ”I’m warning you, Paizlee. Trying to be close to me? It’s only going to bring you more pain.”
He met her gaze again, a flicker of warmth trying to push through the cold facade he clung to.
She moved slowly, climbing out of the bed and letting her hand drop from the bracelet. Her usually hyper and quick movements were softer and slower than usual, she was more deliberate in her steps before she stopped in front of him, sitting down on the floor in front of him and looking up into his eyes, staring through the mask and at him.
”There isn’t any more pain for me Wolfie.” Her tone was tinged with something he hadn’t heard from her before, without her usual crutch she was just herself, a little lost and a little broken. Her own darkness almost touching her from the shadows at the edges of her heart. ”And you do need saving, from the person you think you have to be… I didn’t know it before I saw you, but I know it now.”
Her hand reached for his, she held onto his hand, her other also holding it so his hand was totally wrapped on hers, a long, pained exhale leaving her before she spoke again.
”The last time I held someone’s hand like this… I let them go.” She held on a little tighter, tears almost threatened to fill her eyes but instead the sadness inflected in her voice. ”I’m not letting go this time.”
Razor’s breath caught as she sank down in front of him, her movements slower, gentler than he was used to. She wasn’t all glitter and sparkles this time. No walls of her own, no dizzying, hyper energy to hide behind. Just Paizlee, broken in ways that mirrored his own, and yet somehow… stronger for it.
When she looked up, her eyes piercing through his mask, he felt something unfamiliar… a warmth he couldn’t shake, like she could see beyond the cold armor he’d built around himself. She knew the darkness, too, the shadows lurking in her own heart, yet here she was, undeterred, her hand reaching out to him.
Her touch was soft, but there was a quiet strength in the way she held his hand, her fingers wrapping around his as if they’d somehow anchor her to this moment. He didn’t pull back. Couldn’t. The weight of her words, her pain, settled over him, and for once, he found himself stripped bare, his defenses crumbling under the raw honesty of her presence.
He swallowed, feeling a heaviness in his chest he hadn’t allowed himself to acknowledge in a long time. ”Paizlee… you don’t have to carry this. I’m… I’m not worth it.” His voice wavered, but her grip held steady, grounding him in a way that made it impossible to look away.
Her sadness reached into something he thought he’d buried deep, her words echoing in the quiet space between them. She had her own battles, her own ghosts, yet she chose to stay here, with him, even when he’d done everything to push her away. Her tears hovered at the edge of her gaze, yet she held on, unshaken.
For the first time, Razor felt the cracks in his own armor, the mask feeling heavier than it ever had. He spoke again, barely audible. ”I… I don’t know how to let anyone in, Paizlee. I’ve never known.”
But her fingers tightened around his, anchoring him, telling him he didn’t have to know how. She was here, and for once, he felt like maybe… maybe he could let go of the darkness for just a moment. The silence between them softened, and he felt the faintest spark of hope… small, fragile, but real.
She sat there holding onto his hand, her position on the floor meaning she looked up at him the whole time. She could feel her heart thumping in her chest, the sound of it in her ears a deafening blow over and over again until his words broke through that constant drumming.
She could feel his pain, the fear beyond it. The surround of his walls kept him safe, that’s why he didn’t want to let her scale them. She wasn’t trying to knock them down, she just wanted to be on the other side of them.
”Don’t ever say that.” Her words were a whisper, she hated to hear him say he wasn’t worth it, those words were like blows to her heart. Her hands tightened around his and she had to do something. She needed him to feel it, to know he was always worth it. ”Life is too fragile a gift to spend it wishing others away…”
Standing slowly she pressed one hand to the mask, where his cheek would be, beneath it. ”Show me?” Her eyes pleaded with him, she needed to see him, really see him and she knew he needed to see that she wasn’t going to turn away. Her heart beating faster than ever, fearful she was pushing too hard but too lost in her want to reach him to step back now.
”Please?” She whispered the word, her teary eyed staring into his eyes with nervous anticipation.
Razor’s heart raced under her touch, her fingers pressing against the mask where his cheek would be. Her plea hung between them, fragile and raw, and for a moment, he considered pulling back, burying himself behind the walls that kept him safe. But something in the way she looked at him… the soft, unwavering trust in her eyes helped cracked his resolve.
Slowly, almost trembling, he reached up, hesitating, before finally lifting the mask from his face. He looked away at first, a rush of vulnerability washing over him. But then he turned back, meeting her gaze directly, feeling the weight of the moment in the depth of her stare.
Paizlee’s eyes widened, her mouth parting in shock. Recognition flashed across her face as she pieced it together, her gaze locked on him like she’d seen a ghost. She whispered, barely able to find her voice ”I’ve seen you before… but… where?”
Razor—[REDACTED]—closed his eyes, breathing in sharply as he struggled with the urge to run, to hide again. But he couldn’t. Not now. Not after letting her see him, really see him. He finally choked out, ”Paizlee, I can explain. I… I’m not trying to fool anyone it’s just... My name isn’t Razor—it’s [REDACTED].”
He swallowed hard, feeling the weight of her shock settle heavily around them. ”Please… please don’t tell anyone. I need this, Paizlee. I need to be here, even if it means hiding behind the mask.”
His eyes shimmered, betraying the vulnerability he’d fought so hard to bury. This was his truth, the one he’d kept hidden for so long, and now he was trusting her with it, hoping against hope she wouldn’t turn away.
She let her fingers touch his cheeks, tracing along the lines of his face before she settled both hands palms down on his jaw, holding his face in her slightly trembling hands. She could feel the shivering starting in her body, the shock of seeing him paired with her body’s need for its next fix caused her reaction to slow. Eventually she made a shhh sound, it was soft and quiet but intent enough that he would have heard it.
”Thank you.” She swallowed hard, her hands finally letting go of his face as she stood there, staring at him for a long, silent pause. Her limbs felt as though they were thick with weights, her blood like led in her veins but she pushed on, she needed him to see that she wouldn’t turn away from him.
”It doesn’t matter who you were.” She spoke those words with such conviction, a strength that she never quite managed when saying the very same thing to herself. Her eyes didn’t waiver from his face, she didn’t look away for even a second. ”What matters is who you choose to be… you’re not a curse [REDACTED] and being around you won’t get me hurt… I’m not running away.” She grabbed his hand again, squeezing it between her two, wrapping his hand up in her fingers and holding it just as tightly as she did before. ”See? Still not letting go.”
Razor felt the warmth of her hands as they traced his face, grounding him in a way that left him momentarily speechless. She didn’t pull back, didn’t recoil or even blink—she just looked at him with a steady gaze that pierced right through his defenses. He could feel the tremor in her fingers, could see the toll it was taking on her to keep steady, yet she was still here, still holding onto him like he was someone worth holding onto.
He swallowed hard, feeling a tightness in his chest. No one had ever looked at him this way before—like he was more than the mistakes, more than the mask he wore to keep the world at bay. Her hands pressed into his, a steady reminder that she wasn’t letting go, no matter how hard he might try to push her away.
Razor’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper, his words rough with the weight of years spent hiding. ”You don’t have to… stay. I’m not… I’m not the guy you think I am. You don’t even know…”
But her grip tightened, her fingers curling around his hand, steady and unyielding. She wasn’t pulling back, wasn’t leaving him to drown in the isolation he’d clung to. He could see it in her eyes—the unwavering resolve, the silent promise that she wasn’t going anywhere.
His gaze dropped to their hands, her smaller fingers wrapped tightly around his, and he let out a slow breath, the tension melting away, even if just for a moment. His voice was softer this time, almost vulnerable, the weight of his guard slipping as he met her gaze again. ”You’re really not letting go, are you?”
And for the first time in a long time, he felt a quiet, almost foreign flicker of hope. He didn’t understand it, couldn’t make sense of it, but with her hand in his, he started to think that maybe he didn’t need to.
”Never. Ever.” There was something in the way he needed her that made her own pain a little duller. There was no reason for her to throw herself so fully into trusting him, not one that logic could touch anyway. She just recognised the pain in his eyes, she saw in him all the people she had pushed away when she was trying to figure things out.
She saw the hardness she created when she was sleeping in her car rather than passing around favours with promoters, she saw the pain of people she had loved… trusted, betraying her for a moment in the spotlight, in the pain that left lines on his face beyond his years. She had spent her entire adult life running from what she used to be and now here she was, anchoring them both to this spot.
She had to sit, almost crumpling to the ground as she sat before her legs gave up. But even then she didn’t let go of his hand, her fingers curled around his and holding on like both of their lives depended on it. And in some ways maybe they did.
”You gotta stop running some time dude…” a little flash of the girl she was when she was at her best as she laughed a little, finally letting go of his hand with one of hers, the other still gripping tight, reaching into the bra under her top and pulling out a little cellophane bag. ”Promise not to tell?”
It was his turn now, his chance to keep her secret and no matter what he said, she would keep his anyway.
”Shut up,” he said, a faint grin breaking through as he watched her settle onto the floor, anchoring them both to this strange, quiet moment.
There was a weight to her words, one that pulled at his defenses, stirring something deep within him that he’d spent so long trying to ignore. She didn’t flinch, didn’t falter, even as she practically crumpled to the ground in front of him, her fingers gripping his hand like it was the one thing keeping her grounded. And maybe, for the first time, he felt the same.
He watched as she reached under her top, pulling out a small cellophane bag with a mischievous glint in her eye.
”Promise not to tell?” she said, holding it out like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Razor looked at her, a mixture of exasperation and something warmer flickering in his gaze. He held her eyes, her hand still tightly clasped in his, and he knew that whatever she was holding, whatever secrets they kept? They were bound in this now, two lost souls who’d somehow found each other in the midst of all the pain.
”Only if you don’t tell either,” he said, a hint of a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.
She laughed, before she finally let go of his hand only to pry the bag open and drop two little pieces of paper into her hand. One had an alien on it, the other was a bright yellow smiley face, picking up the one with the alien on it, she opened her mouth and tucked it under her tongue. Closing her eyes as she did, showing just how totally she trusted him.
”It’s medicine.” The explanation she offered was brief and non-descript. If he was going to accept her being part of his life, he had to accept this part of her world. The thing that kept her darkness at bay and helped her see sunshine through everything. Leaving her palm open with the other piece of paper on it, she grabbed for his hand again with her free one.
As she sighed and let the drugs work their way into her system she leaned against the chair where he was sitting with a huge yawn. ”We sleep and then when we wake up… it’ll be brighter. All the pretty colours will come back.”
He watched her, a mixture of fascination and something deeper as she took the piece of paper and tucked it under her tongue, her eyes closing like she was letting herself drift, her trust placed fully in him. It caught him off guard, that kind of openness, that certainty in her movements as if she already knew he wouldn’t turn away.
When she opened her hand, leaving the second piece there with the bright yellow smiley staring up at him, he glanced down at it, then back at her. She was leaning against the chair now, her fingers wrapping around his hand again, and he could feel the weight of her words settle in.
”It’s medicine.” That simple explanation hung in the air, and for once, he didn’t question it. He didn’t try to push it away or analyze it; he just… accepted it. She was offering him a glimpse into her world, the way she saw the light beyond the shadows, and as her head rested against the edge of his chair, he felt the quiet comfort settle between them.
”Sleep, huh?” he said, his fingers still intertwined with hers, feeling the warmth of her touch anchoring him in a way he’d never quite felt before.
He watched her as she yawned, her eyes already heavy, her trust unspoken yet powerful. He stayed where he was, letting his own walls slip a little more, feeling her calm bleed into his, and for once, he thought that maybe, just maybe, the colors she spoke of would come back for him, too.
Instead she had ended up asleep in his bed, his insistence that he would sleep in the lounger and she sleep there hadn’t been enough and he’d had to bargain a hug and then potential to talk about things in the morning before she agreed. And that’s where she woke up, tucked up in his bed, rolling over to look at the lounger where ‘WolfBoi’ was sleeping.
Had he slept in those masks? Her head felt heavy like it was full of rocks and as she blinked him into focus, the weight of the world landed on her shoulders to match. It had been hours since she’d had anything and the wicked touch of reality that reached her thanks to accidental sobriety was already creeping in. Paizlee sat up in the bed, her hand grabbing at the bracelet on her wrist.
”Razor?” She didn’t want to just leave, even with that sick wave of sadness rising like the tide ready to drown her. ”Razor!” Louder this time, her voice raspy and full of sleepy tones, she tried to wake him up.
Razor heard the knock. A familiar melody wrapped in the knock pattern. He looked up from his gear, which he was meticulously checking over for any imperfections. Razor was methodical like that; everything had to be perfect. But the upbeat knock was a contrast to his serious nature.
Razor shifted in the lounger, groggy and slightly disoriented as he heard Paizlee’s voice. He opened his eyes, feeling the weight of the mask he’d slept in, a choice he’d made as a reminder of the walls he kept firmly in place. He turned, his gaze sharp, guarded even in the dim light as he looked over to the bed where Paizlee sat, clutching at her bracelet.
”You’re up early, Paizlee. Thought you’d have snuck out by now.”
He kept his tone light, but there was an edge to it, a subtle reminder of the barrier he’d worked so hard to keep between himself and anyone who dared get too close. The memory of their last encounter, of letting his guard slip, hung heavily between them. ”You know… last night, that whole scene with Noah... it was a wake-up call. Not that it’s any newsflash, but having friends, people close? It’s a distraction. One I don’t need.”
He paused, his gaze momentarily softening before hardening again. ”But you? Coming here, staying outside the door if I hadn’t let you in? You’re relentless, Paizlee.”
He let out a dry chuckle, but the guarded look remained, his eyes studying her, waiting for her reaction, yet almost daring her to push back.
There was something softer, quieter about her than usual. As she slowly sat up properly in the bed, glitter and eyeliner still on her eyes, her longe blonde hair a little messier than usual. She could see the distance in his eyes, his attempts to push her away. Even as the pain of sobriety burned in her chest she shook her head.
”I know what I felt, WolfBoi…” still a groggy tone, her hand grasping the bracelet still even as she met his eyes. ”And Noah acted like a jerk, I told him so too… I’m not about to let you hide away again.” She shifted in the bed, turning to face him slowly, as she moved her body seemed to be heavier than usual.
”I’ve already lost enough for a lifetime, I won’t let that happen again.” Her eyes broke away from his and she looked at her hand, clutching to what was left for dead life. ”I’m not going away til I see you smile again, even if that means sleeping here every day til we graduate.”
Razor held her gaze, feeling a twinge beneath his usual armor as Paizlee sat up, her voice soft. There was a vulnerability there, one that unsettled him and made him want to look away, maybe even run. But he stayed, his guarded expression flickering as she held onto the bracelet like it was her lifeline.
”Paizlee… I don’t need saving, especially not from myself.” He looked away, his hands tightening into fists before he forced himself to relax. She didn’t understand, he thought; no one could. That darkness inside him was his to carry, and anyone who got close would only get dragged down with him.
But when he looked back, seeing her resolve, he felt his defenses slip, just a fraction.
With a deep breath and a quiet sigh, Razor replied, ”I know you mean that. You and your damn persistence, your glitter and bracelets, barging into my life like… like you belong there.” His tone was rough, but there was a hint of something softer underneath. ”I’m warning you, Paizlee. Trying to be close to me? It’s only going to bring you more pain.”
He met her gaze again, a flicker of warmth trying to push through the cold facade he clung to.
She moved slowly, climbing out of the bed and letting her hand drop from the bracelet. Her usually hyper and quick movements were softer and slower than usual, she was more deliberate in her steps before she stopped in front of him, sitting down on the floor in front of him and looking up into his eyes, staring through the mask and at him.
”There isn’t any more pain for me Wolfie.” Her tone was tinged with something he hadn’t heard from her before, without her usual crutch she was just herself, a little lost and a little broken. Her own darkness almost touching her from the shadows at the edges of her heart. ”And you do need saving, from the person you think you have to be… I didn’t know it before I saw you, but I know it now.”
Her hand reached for his, she held onto his hand, her other also holding it so his hand was totally wrapped on hers, a long, pained exhale leaving her before she spoke again.
”The last time I held someone’s hand like this… I let them go.” She held on a little tighter, tears almost threatened to fill her eyes but instead the sadness inflected in her voice. ”I’m not letting go this time.”
Razor’s breath caught as she sank down in front of him, her movements slower, gentler than he was used to. She wasn’t all glitter and sparkles this time. No walls of her own, no dizzying, hyper energy to hide behind. Just Paizlee, broken in ways that mirrored his own, and yet somehow… stronger for it.
When she looked up, her eyes piercing through his mask, he felt something unfamiliar… a warmth he couldn’t shake, like she could see beyond the cold armor he’d built around himself. She knew the darkness, too, the shadows lurking in her own heart, yet here she was, undeterred, her hand reaching out to him.
Her touch was soft, but there was a quiet strength in the way she held his hand, her fingers wrapping around his as if they’d somehow anchor her to this moment. He didn’t pull back. Couldn’t. The weight of her words, her pain, settled over him, and for once, he found himself stripped bare, his defenses crumbling under the raw honesty of her presence.
He swallowed, feeling a heaviness in his chest he hadn’t allowed himself to acknowledge in a long time. ”Paizlee… you don’t have to carry this. I’m… I’m not worth it.” His voice wavered, but her grip held steady, grounding him in a way that made it impossible to look away.
Her sadness reached into something he thought he’d buried deep, her words echoing in the quiet space between them. She had her own battles, her own ghosts, yet she chose to stay here, with him, even when he’d done everything to push her away. Her tears hovered at the edge of her gaze, yet she held on, unshaken.
For the first time, Razor felt the cracks in his own armor, the mask feeling heavier than it ever had. He spoke again, barely audible. ”I… I don’t know how to let anyone in, Paizlee. I’ve never known.”
But her fingers tightened around his, anchoring him, telling him he didn’t have to know how. She was here, and for once, he felt like maybe… maybe he could let go of the darkness for just a moment. The silence between them softened, and he felt the faintest spark of hope… small, fragile, but real.
She sat there holding onto his hand, her position on the floor meaning she looked up at him the whole time. She could feel her heart thumping in her chest, the sound of it in her ears a deafening blow over and over again until his words broke through that constant drumming.
She could feel his pain, the fear beyond it. The surround of his walls kept him safe, that’s why he didn’t want to let her scale them. She wasn’t trying to knock them down, she just wanted to be on the other side of them.
”Don’t ever say that.” Her words were a whisper, she hated to hear him say he wasn’t worth it, those words were like blows to her heart. Her hands tightened around his and she had to do something. She needed him to feel it, to know he was always worth it. ”Life is too fragile a gift to spend it wishing others away…”
Standing slowly she pressed one hand to the mask, where his cheek would be, beneath it. ”Show me?” Her eyes pleaded with him, she needed to see him, really see him and she knew he needed to see that she wasn’t going to turn away. Her heart beating faster than ever, fearful she was pushing too hard but too lost in her want to reach him to step back now.
”Please?” She whispered the word, her teary eyed staring into his eyes with nervous anticipation.
Razor’s heart raced under her touch, her fingers pressing against the mask where his cheek would be. Her plea hung between them, fragile and raw, and for a moment, he considered pulling back, burying himself behind the walls that kept him safe. But something in the way she looked at him… the soft, unwavering trust in her eyes helped cracked his resolve.
Slowly, almost trembling, he reached up, hesitating, before finally lifting the mask from his face. He looked away at first, a rush of vulnerability washing over him. But then he turned back, meeting her gaze directly, feeling the weight of the moment in the depth of her stare.
Paizlee’s eyes widened, her mouth parting in shock. Recognition flashed across her face as she pieced it together, her gaze locked on him like she’d seen a ghost. She whispered, barely able to find her voice ”I’ve seen you before… but… where?”
Razor—[REDACTED]—closed his eyes, breathing in sharply as he struggled with the urge to run, to hide again. But he couldn’t. Not now. Not after letting her see him, really see him. He finally choked out, ”Paizlee, I can explain. I… I’m not trying to fool anyone it’s just... My name isn’t Razor—it’s [REDACTED].”
He swallowed hard, feeling the weight of her shock settle heavily around them. ”Please… please don’t tell anyone. I need this, Paizlee. I need to be here, even if it means hiding behind the mask.”
His eyes shimmered, betraying the vulnerability he’d fought so hard to bury. This was his truth, the one he’d kept hidden for so long, and now he was trusting her with it, hoping against hope she wouldn’t turn away.
She let her fingers touch his cheeks, tracing along the lines of his face before she settled both hands palms down on his jaw, holding his face in her slightly trembling hands. She could feel the shivering starting in her body, the shock of seeing him paired with her body’s need for its next fix caused her reaction to slow. Eventually she made a shhh sound, it was soft and quiet but intent enough that he would have heard it.
”Thank you.” She swallowed hard, her hands finally letting go of his face as she stood there, staring at him for a long, silent pause. Her limbs felt as though they were thick with weights, her blood like led in her veins but she pushed on, she needed him to see that she wouldn’t turn away from him.
”It doesn’t matter who you were.” She spoke those words with such conviction, a strength that she never quite managed when saying the very same thing to herself. Her eyes didn’t waiver from his face, she didn’t look away for even a second. ”What matters is who you choose to be… you’re not a curse [REDACTED] and being around you won’t get me hurt… I’m not running away.” She grabbed his hand again, squeezing it between her two, wrapping his hand up in her fingers and holding it just as tightly as she did before. ”See? Still not letting go.”
Razor felt the warmth of her hands as they traced his face, grounding him in a way that left him momentarily speechless. She didn’t pull back, didn’t recoil or even blink—she just looked at him with a steady gaze that pierced right through his defenses. He could feel the tremor in her fingers, could see the toll it was taking on her to keep steady, yet she was still here, still holding onto him like he was someone worth holding onto.
He swallowed hard, feeling a tightness in his chest. No one had ever looked at him this way before—like he was more than the mistakes, more than the mask he wore to keep the world at bay. Her hands pressed into his, a steady reminder that she wasn’t letting go, no matter how hard he might try to push her away.
Razor’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper, his words rough with the weight of years spent hiding. ”You don’t have to… stay. I’m not… I’m not the guy you think I am. You don’t even know…”
But her grip tightened, her fingers curling around his hand, steady and unyielding. She wasn’t pulling back, wasn’t leaving him to drown in the isolation he’d clung to. He could see it in her eyes—the unwavering resolve, the silent promise that she wasn’t going anywhere.
His gaze dropped to their hands, her smaller fingers wrapped tightly around his, and he let out a slow breath, the tension melting away, even if just for a moment. His voice was softer this time, almost vulnerable, the weight of his guard slipping as he met her gaze again. ”You’re really not letting go, are you?”
And for the first time in a long time, he felt a quiet, almost foreign flicker of hope. He didn’t understand it, couldn’t make sense of it, but with her hand in his, he started to think that maybe he didn’t need to.
”Never. Ever.” There was something in the way he needed her that made her own pain a little duller. There was no reason for her to throw herself so fully into trusting him, not one that logic could touch anyway. She just recognised the pain in his eyes, she saw in him all the people she had pushed away when she was trying to figure things out.
She saw the hardness she created when she was sleeping in her car rather than passing around favours with promoters, she saw the pain of people she had loved… trusted, betraying her for a moment in the spotlight, in the pain that left lines on his face beyond his years. She had spent her entire adult life running from what she used to be and now here she was, anchoring them both to this spot.
She had to sit, almost crumpling to the ground as she sat before her legs gave up. But even then she didn’t let go of his hand, her fingers curled around his and holding on like both of their lives depended on it. And in some ways maybe they did.
”You gotta stop running some time dude…” a little flash of the girl she was when she was at her best as she laughed a little, finally letting go of his hand with one of hers, the other still gripping tight, reaching into the bra under her top and pulling out a little cellophane bag. ”Promise not to tell?”
It was his turn now, his chance to keep her secret and no matter what he said, she would keep his anyway.
”Shut up,” he said, a faint grin breaking through as he watched her settle onto the floor, anchoring them both to this strange, quiet moment.
There was a weight to her words, one that pulled at his defenses, stirring something deep within him that he’d spent so long trying to ignore. She didn’t flinch, didn’t falter, even as she practically crumpled to the ground in front of him, her fingers gripping his hand like it was the one thing keeping her grounded. And maybe, for the first time, he felt the same.
He watched as she reached under her top, pulling out a small cellophane bag with a mischievous glint in her eye.
”Promise not to tell?” she said, holding it out like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Razor looked at her, a mixture of exasperation and something warmer flickering in his gaze. He held her eyes, her hand still tightly clasped in his, and he knew that whatever she was holding, whatever secrets they kept? They were bound in this now, two lost souls who’d somehow found each other in the midst of all the pain.
”Only if you don’t tell either,” he said, a hint of a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.
She laughed, before she finally let go of his hand only to pry the bag open and drop two little pieces of paper into her hand. One had an alien on it, the other was a bright yellow smiley face, picking up the one with the alien on it, she opened her mouth and tucked it under her tongue. Closing her eyes as she did, showing just how totally she trusted him.
”It’s medicine.” The explanation she offered was brief and non-descript. If he was going to accept her being part of his life, he had to accept this part of her world. The thing that kept her darkness at bay and helped her see sunshine through everything. Leaving her palm open with the other piece of paper on it, she grabbed for his hand again with her free one.
As she sighed and let the drugs work their way into her system she leaned against the chair where he was sitting with a huge yawn. ”We sleep and then when we wake up… it’ll be brighter. All the pretty colours will come back.”
He watched her, a mixture of fascination and something deeper as she took the piece of paper and tucked it under her tongue, her eyes closing like she was letting herself drift, her trust placed fully in him. It caught him off guard, that kind of openness, that certainty in her movements as if she already knew he wouldn’t turn away.
When she opened her hand, leaving the second piece there with the bright yellow smiley staring up at him, he glanced down at it, then back at her. She was leaning against the chair now, her fingers wrapping around his hand again, and he could feel the weight of her words settle in.
”It’s medicine.” That simple explanation hung in the air, and for once, he didn’t question it. He didn’t try to push it away or analyze it; he just… accepted it. She was offering him a glimpse into her world, the way she saw the light beyond the shadows, and as her head rested against the edge of his chair, he felt the quiet comfort settle between them.
”Sleep, huh?” he said, his fingers still intertwined with hers, feeling the warmth of her touch anchoring him in a way he’d never quite felt before.
He watched her as she yawned, her eyes already heavy, her trust unspoken yet powerful. He stayed where he was, letting his own walls slip a little more, feeling her calm bleed into his, and for once, he thought that maybe, just maybe, the colors she spoke of would come back for him, too.