Post by Raya Hope on Nov 13, 2024 1:06:41 GMT -6
My office wasn’t really an office, but it sounded a lot more professional and less awkward than inviting a student to her quarters, where she set up an area to do her counseling job.
This was exactly how she wanted things to be, though. Unconventional was Maud’s middle name, ever since her days at the University Of Illinois. Nonconformist, bohemian, libertine at heart, more akin to a Rockstar than a psychologist with her characteristic blue hair and the passion for Baudelaire’s poetry. And yet, when Gian asked who was the most brilliant of their alumni, her name was on top of all their lists.
The lodgings she was given in the East Wing, the area reserved to staff, were actually really nice, way above what she could’ve afforded even with the generous paycheck The Academy provided her. A nice lounge welcomed the guests as soon as they walked through the door, with modern furniture decorating the room, designed more to be practical than eye-catching. What really stood out in that neat and cozy room was the big bookcase taking up an entire wall. Most of the books methodically arranged are essays on psychology, although an entire section is filled with various editions and translations of Baudelaire’s most famous work, Les Fleurs Du Mal.
A functional kitchen takes up the southeast corner of the apartment, bedroom and restroom on the opposite side. But the central space was the heart of Maud’s place, the lounge was where she was ready to receive her guest, Raya Hope Inella. Sitting on a white egg chair positioned in front of a cozy leather couch, the MWE intern was scrolling through her X feed, killing some time as she waited for the student.
With a knock at the door, her attention would have been gathered. None other than the punctual guest who had called for this meeting, Dressed in an oversized sweatshirt that was more likely property of Maddox than her, she walked in with a slight ease to her step. You could tell from her tired expression and the messy state of her hair that she had been struggling today.
She still did her best to fawn a kind smile though, clutching to her chest a binder of sorts though she wasn’t exactly here to take notes, she felt comforted in holding the giant book to her chest, a sort of security blanket.
“Hi.” She said though it came across rather weakly. “Thank you for seeing me, I know you were probably super busy.” There it was then, that babbling thing she did when she was nervous, but it was a genuine concern. It wasn’t like her to reach out for help, and that was something she’d struggled with for quite some time. She never felt comfort in letting someone in and well, considering everything that had been happening, she honestly needed it.
Maud stood up from her chair to welcome the young girl, greeting her with a smile. Resting her hand on Raya’s shoulder, a simple gesture of kindness to make her feel more comfortable, the blue haired intern walked her guest to the couch and invited her to take a seat. “Can I get you something? I can make some tea, coffee.. I have water, orange juice.. I can’t give you booze but I retain the right to pour myself a shot during our chat, should the situation require it.” A joke to break the tension, followed by a warm smile.
Raya couldn’t help but laugh. “You are too kind, I’ll have water please, thank you.” She obliged in taking a seat letting out the breath she’d been holding, fighting back her anxiety. There had been so much building up in the last few weeks and while she thought she had some clue in how to handle all of it, it was becoming overwhelming.
“Also no worries, after that Halloween party, I think I’m straying away from any foreign substances for a while.” She offered the smallest of laughs and took the water as it was offered to her gently taking a sip. “I. . . uhm. . . I’m sure you are wondering why I asked to speak with you. I just.”
Raya paused.
“Well this is confidential right? I just . . .” She trailed off. “This isn’t really easy for me.” she pursed her lips to the side almost like she was biting the inside of her jaw.
“Absolutely, darling.” Maud replied as she sat back on her couch, picking up a black Moleskine notebook she had left on the crystal table. Making a sweeping gesture with her hand she pointed at each one of the four walls. “No cameras here, this is a safe place. Anything you tell me will remain between you and me, not even Gian or your Team Leader will be informed, unless you want me to loop them in.”
The tone was serious and professional, her voice carrying a warm and reassuring vibe to it. Her lips curl into a slight smirk as she soon added. “Well, technically there is a camera, but it’s inside my bedroom.” She let out a contagious laughter, immediately echoed by Raya. “I’m kidding, maybe.”
Crossing her legs, Maud opened her notebook and wrote Raya’s name on top of an empty page. “I’m listening, Raya. Take all the time you need, we are in no rush here.”
The laughter was nice, it made her feel. . . at ease. Which hadn’t been easy with everything that was set on the young girl's plate. The lying, the subterfuge, everything had been hard to manage and honestly it would feel nice to have a place where she could speak about it freely, but where to begin?
“Great.” She said smiling again, taking a moment to finally lose some of that tension, lowering the items she’d brought with her to the floor she grabbed one of the comfortable pillows that accompanied the furniture to use instead, propping it against her back and resting against it.
“Well I’ve been living this lie. . . actually it's kind of exhausting.” She let out a light laugh before shaking her head. “I add words like “kind of " and "maybe " to add a hint of subtlety, it has been exhausting. Everyday since I’ve gotten here has been so utterly exhausting.”
She couldn’t help the tension that left her shoulders then, to truly feel that weight leave, it was such a nice release.
“It's not the workouts or anything like that. Trust me, I did a gymnastics meet once with a broken tibia, and didn’t even know it was broken until after the judging. I used to dance on my feet until they would bleed.” She shook her head. “Not that those are good things I’m just saying, my tolerance for work can be pretty high.” She didn’t seem to be able to get her thoughts together in those moments.
“Anyways, I woke up today and I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, I’ve been lying and misleading others. I think that is the most exhausting part.” She let out a sigh before she looked directly into Maud’s eyes.
“I am sure you are curious why and that is the tricky part to explain.” She was a little lost in how to convey what she was saying, as currently everything seemed disjointed and vague.
“But I’ll start by saying that becoming a wrestler isn't my main reason for joining the Academy.” She bit her bottom lip then. “and that makes me feel like a complete and utter fraud.”
Maud hadn’t stopped taking notes since Raya began talking. She wrote down her words, of course, but her reactions as well. All the microexpressions the young woman subconsciously made, as well as the more evident gestures. She only stopped when she heard Raya pronouncing that last sentence. “Alright, I’m going to stop right here.” Her voice was gentle yet firm. Maud bent slightly forward, tilting her head to meet Raya’s eyes despite her keeping her glance low. “The masks we wear, the façade we present in the social landscapes we live in are not necessarily a deliberate act of deception. Whatever reason brought you here, and from what I can see it must be very important to you, choosing not to share it with the other students is more of a self-defense mechanism than a fraud. There’s nothing for you to gain from pretending that becoming a wrestler was your lifelong dream.”
Raya finally raised her head, Maud moved accordingly, maintaining eye contact with the student. “You know chameleons, right? They change color to blend in with the environment. That’s what you had to do to push through the first few weeks here, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if that weight has become too much, then perhaps now it’s time you let me take some, alright?”
There was the slightest hint of a grin then as Raya listened to what Maud had to say and she nodded. “I. . . I think I understood that. Metaphor right?” She paused, having not actually thought of it like that.
“I guess when I came here I expected something different. People like me who were unsure of themselves, who thought they would try something out, and see where it took them. I mean I’ve been doing dance and gymnastics my whole life, I was always destined to be in ballet. Ever since I danced in the Nutcracker at a tender young age, but you never heard that because my father would die. We celebrate Hanukkah." She gave those last words with a whisper before giggling.
“But I see all my classmates, chasing the gold star, and they’re so assured in who they are. I just put out this front of confidence, but in reality I’m shaking on the inside, I know that I want a career that is going to last me my whole life, and not something that’s going to have me retire when I’m 25, but I hear all these horror stories!”
She was babbling again now, but definitely into her feelings.
“You know, like that girl who graduated from here who died.” Raya paused then the sudden realization that she’d touched upon a subject so bleak. One that she definitely had a personal attachment to, not that anyone knew. “I see what her life was supposed to be and it makes me have doubts. You could tell she had so much heart for this industry and . . . it seems she could reach people that I personally haven’t been able to.”
She paused again looking down then, the sudden nervousness kicked in.
“See I’ve been carrying this around with me.” Raya reached for the binder she’d brought with her and she slowly opened the massive three ringed piece flipping through document after document until she found what she was looking for, covered in a sheet protector that was super glossy she popped open the rings and handed the paper across to Maud. What she would see were results from DNA testing. Mitochondrial DNA that is and the results at the top would’ve read a 99.86% Match.
“The panel on the left is me and the one on the right is. . .” She stopped not being able to say his name just then. Not after the disaster the last time had been. Just after seeing what he’d done to McKena Hardy. Not after realizing that he wasn’t the person she thought he’d be. Menacing and cruel, destructive to those who cared about him. She’d even sent him a message even though Nathan had encouraged her not to, and it went about as well as expected.
“It’s My Brother . . . Olly.” She stated. Looking down again and letting out a deep, exasperated sigh.
“I did this thing where I got a sample of his blood and sent it off for testing, nothing illegal of course” She made sure to clarify. “but the fact is that as hard as my mother has been on me with my dancing, with ballet she’s had this whole other side to her this entire time, and my god is she overbearing!” She gripped her fist closed then and slammed it onto her lap.
“You know, since I was three, she’s had me twirling in tutu’s and baby doll dresses. I couldn’t go to my friend's sixth birthday party because I had a gymnastics meet or a recital, something to always do. I had to go to classes every night of the week. Sometimes for hours on end” She gestured, still continuing to pour her heart out. The girl really had a lot to say.
“I mean for as hard as she was on me, to find out that she had been hiding this secret. This lie this entire time.” She shook her head. “Maud, I need someone to understand how stressful it has been. I wake up every day two hours early so that we can face time. I ride the bus to the Joffrey ballet so that she can see where I’m staying. I do the same thing around dinner time. I try to make it to class on time, but she wants to know what we’re doing, and why my images aren’t posted in the latest updates on the Ballets website. But if she found out I were here, that I was this close to him. Oh My God would she lose it, and I don’t understand the connection. I don’t know what it is about this life and how he was even involved, but there’s this whole thing about me being scared she will find out and come pull me away, and there’s this fear of telling him because he’s utterly scary, I mean what if he hurts me? What am I going to do, but then you know he has the right to know. So I’m just so . . . so confused, and I’m tired, and angry and hyperventilating.” She paused trying her best to catch her breath.
Maud listened carefully as Raya poured her heart out. The notes on her Moleskine became less and less frequent, until her hand stopped writing altogether. Her facial expression changed throughout Raya’s confession, the professional and serious look fading into a manifestation of concern and sympathy.
“Oh, dear…” She sighed, standing up from the chair to move in closer to Raya, her arms wrapping around the young girl in a comforting embrace. “Here, take this.” The counselor added, filling another glass of water and handing it to her. She sat in silence while Raya sipped her drink, a little trick she learned to help the student relax and buy herself some time to measure her next words.
“There’s a lot to unpack here, a lot of heavy feelings to process.” She spoke in a calm and soothing tone, her hand staying on Raya’s back to show support and provide comfort. “But we’ll get through it, alright?”
Raya nodded, visibly shaken but trying to put herself together. “I think I know what the first step should be. You can’t keep this up Raya, you can’t keep living this double life. It’s draining you, physically and emotionally.” The student looked up at Maud, almost on the verge of breaking down. She seemed to realize what the counselor was implying, and part of her knew that Maud was right. But her fear and all the repressed feelings toward her mother were getting the best of her. Shaking her head, she opened her mouth to speak but Maud cut her off.
“It’s ok, I know you’re scared. But how long do you think you can keep this lie up? And I’m not talking about your physical ability to do so, but think about it. All it takes your mother is the smallest doubt, one phone call and this whole house of cards you built sacrificing your body and mental health will come down. It’s not worth it.” Maud’s hand moved away from Raya’s back, her voice slightly shifting to a more authoritative tone, although keeping that shade of softness and empathy.
“You need to tell her that you’re here, you need to tell her WHY you’re here. And you need to know why she kept the truth from you. What’s the worst that can happen? She throws a tantrum and tries to take you home?” Raya twitched on her seat at the mention of the worst case scenario. “It happened last year. I wasn’t here so I don’t know the full story or why it went down, and I’m sure that whoever handled that situation did the best they could with the tools at their disposal. But I’m here now, and I’ll be there with you when you talk to her, if you want me.” This was one of the reasons why Gian hired a professional figure to fill the counselor role, to handle delicate situations. The whole Deyanira Connolly debacle last year was a lesson for him, and a chance to improve the facility providing support for the students.
“So please. Take a few minutes, hours.. A couple of days, whatever you need. But call your mom, tell her to come to Chicago. Breakfast, lunch, dinner.. I’ll fill your permit, Gian won’t say no. Talk to her, and listen to her. This is not something a mother would do lightheartedly, hear her side of the story too.” She had been holding her hand for almost a minute now, a way to give her strength and show that she was ready and willing to accompany her every step of the way.
With the pinnacle of this weight in her chest, Raya focused on breathing through her nose than out. The same methods she was taught during training, especially those intense cardio sessions, with dance the rhythmic breathing helped create an element with the beat that enable her to move lightly across the floor, and that was the same rhythmic beat that she focused on now. Paying attention to Maud’s words, her actions, her concerns.
Finally feeling like she had a grasp over herself again she would give a solemn nod of the head.
“Okay. I . . . I think I need a few days, and then.” She paused again.
“I’ll let her know the truth.” She needed to confront her mom with this lie, but first she had another card up her sleeve that seemed more important.
Telling her brother Olly, just who she was. She didn’t say it out loud but the fire was within her once again. Almost like some mission she’d been on had been reignited. She couldn’t be afraid despite his reputation. He as much as anybody had the right to know.
“Thank you. . . seriously THANK YOU.” There was a heartfelt hug given then. Like the weight of the world had been taken off of her shoulders even if it were only for a minute.
Maud reciprocated the hug, warm and tender. But her expression was one of concern, she was expecting Raya to be hesitant, to question her advice. She was ready to walk her through the reasons why coming clean with her mom was the right move, but her sudden acceptance, almost enthusiasm seemed out of place. Maud thought she was missing something, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.
“Alright, like I said, take the time you need. And remember, I’m here if you need me.” As she pulled back from the hug, she noticed that flicker in her eye. The concern only grew with the hunch of her choosing a different course of action kicking in. “Raya, you’re dancing barefoot on broken glass here. Be very careful about the next step you take, because once you cut your foot, you may not be able to get through it.”
There was a sudden realization from the young woman then, the firmly delivered messaging. The cautionary tale that was exhibited in the final words that she spoke. It did cause her to have trepidation with her plans, it caused her to halt wherever her brain had been entirely.
“I will think about this before I make any movements.” Raya said now with thoughtful contemplation in her eyes. She knew that Maud was right. She needed to confront her mother with her accusations and there was only so much that she would figure out on her own, but she also had this whole other mystery to unravel. She had the proof there in her hands and she could only think that perhaps she needed to rethink her plans. Truly consider giving her mom that call before she went and spoke to him. Yet, why had she been lying to her this whole time, and had she told her dad? Had any of the passions she used to drive Raya forward really been about her or more about herself it was all so confusing and it left her with more questions than answers.
But what if she did call her mother and she was pulled away? What if Olly never knew that he had a sibling right there the whole time. Would he even care? So far from what she’d gathered from him, it wouldn’t have made a difference, but there was still some semblance of that thing that lingered within her that inspired her name.
There was always a Ray of Hope.
With a smile and still a resonance of thoughtful contemplation she stood then.
“Thank you again, if at all possible I would like to maybe come and see you again in a few days, and truly discuss the next steps.” She didn’t really allow for much of an answer as she grabbed her things. If she were dancing on broken glass and happened to cut her foot well. . . she still had another one.
“I’ll be here, darling.” Maud replied without lifting her eyes from the notebook, where she was writing down the final notes of this first meeting. When she was done running the pen over the paper, her eyes met Raya’s one last time. “We got this.”