Post by Tiff on Sept 11, 2021 14:28:45 GMT -6
Well...it's that time again...
When did checking social media become an event? At this point I have to prepare myself for it. Just to see what kind of fresh hell awaits...what kind of bullshit gets thrown my way. Will it be the ex throwing shade at me again? Will it be someone reminding me how much of a loser I am? Or will it be Sky trying to pick a date with me again? There really ain't any point in going back. I mean...who the fuck cares about your hair? Speaking of...
"For fuck sake..."
I don't know why I thought going from blonde to jet black was a good idea. And now I can't even get blonde right again. Fucking stupid. At least it's growing out again. Don't know how many more times I gotta bleach it though. I should have left it natural. I should have stayed blonde in the first place. At least that wasn't as big of a problem as it is now. You fucking dummy...
...
Anyway, doesn't seem like anything's going on...as usual. Ashley's back and still killing it... Still nothing from Faith, probably waiting for me to say something stupid as usual... And Sky. Oh Sky... I really don't understand you. Do you like me? Do you hate me? I wouldn't blame you if you did... I don't know...do I really wanna check his account? Do I really want to?
...
No. Not today. Fuck him. Telling me to move on and then talking shit after the fact. Waste of my fucking time. Although then again...I don't know how I could have survived without him...
"Goddammit..."
Just sucks knowing I could never return the favor. I genuinely thought he was the one. Coming into my life at my lowest point. Getting my fat ass out of bed and helping me get back in shape. Should have known it would end in disaster. Everything else does... Wish I stuck to your advice though...
...
Look at this. Fucking look at this. I know I haven't had a match since July but what the fuck? I've been training, I've been dieting...not everyday granted but I've been doing everything I can. So why the fuck can I still grab it like this? I shouldn't be this fucking flabby. Why do I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to keep fit? For fuck sake...I'm gonna get fired if I don't shape up. You'd think some of this fat would at least go to my boobs...
...
Wait...how long have I been looking at these? Maybe I should stop looking at social media. Too many naked women on there. Whatever gets them attention I guess. At least they get attention. What do I get? I don't even get a second glance, and in the rare occasion where I do, I just run them off. At least they used to like me for being a good fighter, but I don't even have that anymore. When was the last time I actually won something? Who would ever want to be with a big fat loser like me?
...
I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be thinking like this. Not again. Not after what this led to last time. My therapist keeps telling me to stay positive...but how can I with so much bullshit in my life? Everyone fucking hates me, and I can't blame them. I'm a piece of shit and everyone knows it. I'm lucky to even have a career right now. I should never have come back. I should never have went to the Academy. I should have just stayed home. I should have just stayed out of everyone's way and stuck to my gaming channel...
"Yeah...right..."
As if that was actually a good idea. How the hell you got anyone to ever watch your dumb boring ass is beyond me. I think the only people who wanted to watch you were the people who wanted to see how far you've fallen...although I'm pretty sure they'll still be entertained if I tried it again now. They'll have a lot more ammunition now...
"Ugh..."
Talk about fucking cringe...
...
What the fuck even is my life anyway? Remember when you first started? All you ever wanted to do was wrestle. It was my dream to wrestle. Who would have thought that dream would turn into a nightmare. And yet when I had the chance to escape that nightmare, what did I do? I jumped back in. Wrestling used to make me happy, but when I first left, I hated it. When I got back to a happier place, I thought it would make me happy to wrestle again, but do you know what?
...
No. I can't say that I hate it again. I love wrestling. I can't help it. I fucking love wrestling. When I left the first time, I thought I hated it, and I didn't want anything to do with it. But the truth is I never hated it. It's everything that happened to me. That's what I hated. I made some horrible decisions and I paid for them. That's what I hated. I absolutely hate myself...but I still love wrestling. I love to fight...
...
Are you sure about that?
"What?"
What about now? Are you sure you still love wrestling?
...
Things are a lot different now. You were the longest reigning Cloud Gate champion. You were younger. You were smaller. You were fitter. Even with all the bullshit, you were a fighting champion. And then you quit. You were done with wrestling. You stopped training, you stopped caring, you let yourself go and you let yourself forget everything to do with wrestling. Nothing's ever been the same since. You haven't had the same passion, the same intensity, not even the same fucking body. You spent almost a year in the Academy trying to retrain yourself, but all you did was turn yourself into a fucking joke...
...
The only reason you even have a job at Millennium is because of that bitch Faith Savell. She humiliated you, tormented you, turned you into a doormat. But the worst part? She practically retrained you. She's supposed to be the student, and yet the only reason I actually retrained was just so I could kick her ass. That's all I wanted. I didn't care about getting my job back, I didn't care about winning any titles, I just wanted to get back in shape so I could beat her...and then I couldn't...
"Stop..."
I couldn't beat her. After all the suffering, after all the humiliation, I still lost to her. If she is indeed responsible for retraining me, then she must have made sure it wasn't enough for me to be better than her, because I know the old me would have beaten her. I know the old me would have wiped the floor with her. And now I'm back in the ring, guess what? I'm still a fucking joke. I haven't won a single fucking match since coming back, and I haven't fucking had a match since July. I don't know when I'll get another chance to fight her, but looking at myself in the mirror right now, it's obvious that "this" Tiff ain't ready for that bitch yet...
"Stop."
What if your next match with Faith is tomorrow? She obviously has an easier time keeping herself in ring shape. She's probably gotten even better since leaving the Academy. There's no way you're ready to fight her like this. You can't even reach up to the top of her head, and let's face it, you're probably as wide as she is tall...
"Fucking stop it..."
...
"Just stop..."
...
You're right. I have to stop. I can't keep this up. Not anymore. Look how much it's fucked you up...
...
I need to set things straight. I need to do the right thing here...
...
But how? What is the right thing to do here?
...
Do we take the easy way out?
"Or do we do things the hard way?"
...
"I need to stop talking to myself..."
When did checking social media become an event? At this point I have to prepare myself for it. Just to see what kind of fresh hell awaits...what kind of bullshit gets thrown my way. Will it be the ex throwing shade at me again? Will it be someone reminding me how much of a loser I am? Or will it be Sky trying to pick a date with me again? There really ain't any point in going back. I mean...who the fuck cares about your hair? Speaking of...
"For fuck sake..."
I don't know why I thought going from blonde to jet black was a good idea. And now I can't even get blonde right again. Fucking stupid. At least it's growing out again. Don't know how many more times I gotta bleach it though. I should have left it natural. I should have stayed blonde in the first place. At least that wasn't as big of a problem as it is now. You fucking dummy...
...
Anyway, doesn't seem like anything's going on...as usual. Ashley's back and still killing it... Still nothing from Faith, probably waiting for me to say something stupid as usual... And Sky. Oh Sky... I really don't understand you. Do you like me? Do you hate me? I wouldn't blame you if you did... I don't know...do I really wanna check his account? Do I really want to?
...
No. Not today. Fuck him. Telling me to move on and then talking shit after the fact. Waste of my fucking time. Although then again...I don't know how I could have survived without him...
"Goddammit..."
Just sucks knowing I could never return the favor. I genuinely thought he was the one. Coming into my life at my lowest point. Getting my fat ass out of bed and helping me get back in shape. Should have known it would end in disaster. Everything else does... Wish I stuck to your advice though...
...
Look at this. Fucking look at this. I know I haven't had a match since July but what the fuck? I've been training, I've been dieting...not everyday granted but I've been doing everything I can. So why the fuck can I still grab it like this? I shouldn't be this fucking flabby. Why do I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to keep fit? For fuck sake...I'm gonna get fired if I don't shape up. You'd think some of this fat would at least go to my boobs...
...
Wait...how long have I been looking at these? Maybe I should stop looking at social media. Too many naked women on there. Whatever gets them attention I guess. At least they get attention. What do I get? I don't even get a second glance, and in the rare occasion where I do, I just run them off. At least they used to like me for being a good fighter, but I don't even have that anymore. When was the last time I actually won something? Who would ever want to be with a big fat loser like me?
...
I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be thinking like this. Not again. Not after what this led to last time. My therapist keeps telling me to stay positive...but how can I with so much bullshit in my life? Everyone fucking hates me, and I can't blame them. I'm a piece of shit and everyone knows it. I'm lucky to even have a career right now. I should never have come back. I should never have went to the Academy. I should have just stayed home. I should have just stayed out of everyone's way and stuck to my gaming channel...
"Yeah...right..."
As if that was actually a good idea. How the hell you got anyone to ever watch your dumb boring ass is beyond me. I think the only people who wanted to watch you were the people who wanted to see how far you've fallen...although I'm pretty sure they'll still be entertained if I tried it again now. They'll have a lot more ammunition now...
"Ugh..."
Talk about fucking cringe...
...
What the fuck even is my life anyway? Remember when you first started? All you ever wanted to do was wrestle. It was my dream to wrestle. Who would have thought that dream would turn into a nightmare. And yet when I had the chance to escape that nightmare, what did I do? I jumped back in. Wrestling used to make me happy, but when I first left, I hated it. When I got back to a happier place, I thought it would make me happy to wrestle again, but do you know what?
...
No. I can't say that I hate it again. I love wrestling. I can't help it. I fucking love wrestling. When I left the first time, I thought I hated it, and I didn't want anything to do with it. But the truth is I never hated it. It's everything that happened to me. That's what I hated. I made some horrible decisions and I paid for them. That's what I hated. I absolutely hate myself...but I still love wrestling. I love to fight...
...
Are you sure about that?
"What?"
What about now? Are you sure you still love wrestling?
...
Things are a lot different now. You were the longest reigning Cloud Gate champion. You were younger. You were smaller. You were fitter. Even with all the bullshit, you were a fighting champion. And then you quit. You were done with wrestling. You stopped training, you stopped caring, you let yourself go and you let yourself forget everything to do with wrestling. Nothing's ever been the same since. You haven't had the same passion, the same intensity, not even the same fucking body. You spent almost a year in the Academy trying to retrain yourself, but all you did was turn yourself into a fucking joke...
...
The only reason you even have a job at Millennium is because of that bitch Faith Savell. She humiliated you, tormented you, turned you into a doormat. But the worst part? She practically retrained you. She's supposed to be the student, and yet the only reason I actually retrained was just so I could kick her ass. That's all I wanted. I didn't care about getting my job back, I didn't care about winning any titles, I just wanted to get back in shape so I could beat her...and then I couldn't...
"Stop..."
I couldn't beat her. After all the suffering, after all the humiliation, I still lost to her. If she is indeed responsible for retraining me, then she must have made sure it wasn't enough for me to be better than her, because I know the old me would have beaten her. I know the old me would have wiped the floor with her. And now I'm back in the ring, guess what? I'm still a fucking joke. I haven't won a single fucking match since coming back, and I haven't fucking had a match since July. I don't know when I'll get another chance to fight her, but looking at myself in the mirror right now, it's obvious that "this" Tiff ain't ready for that bitch yet...
"Stop."
What if your next match with Faith is tomorrow? She obviously has an easier time keeping herself in ring shape. She's probably gotten even better since leaving the Academy. There's no way you're ready to fight her like this. You can't even reach up to the top of her head, and let's face it, you're probably as wide as she is tall...
"Fucking stop it..."
...
"Just stop..."
...
You're right. I have to stop. I can't keep this up. Not anymore. Look how much it's fucked you up...
...
I need to set things straight. I need to do the right thing here...
...
But how? What is the right thing to do here?
...
Do we take the easy way out?
"Or do we do things the hard way?"
...
"I need to stop talking to myself..."