Post by Tiff on Feb 17, 2021 4:29:06 GMT -6
February 15, 2021
Hey diary...
It’s been a while…
Sorry I lost you. Things were kinda crazy when I moved to LA. I know this is only two sheets of paper but I hope this will do. I know these sheets will be joining you in the trash later anyway. Fucking hope no one finds that old book though…
Anyway, I know I’m getting too old to be doing this shit, but I can’t help it. Writing is like the only thing that helps me express my bullshit feelings, even though I’m a terrible writer, and no one will ever read this shit anyway. But you helped me keep going when I was young, you helped me keep going when I trained at RISE, and here’s hoping you will help me now. I hate resorting to this, but I need to do this. It’s the only way I can vent without making myself look like an ass in front of everyone…
I was a different person last time I wrote this shit. I was in a completely different place. Feels like decades ago now. Before I joined Millennium. Before I became a champion. Back when RISE was still a thing. Back when everyone thought I’d never have what it takes it be a wrestler. I thrived off of proving all the doubters wrong. Little did I know how right they actually were…
I’m glad I didn’t have you here. Before all this bullshit happened. You know, when I first started, I thought becoming a champion would be enough to shut all the doubters up. But it didn’t. In fact, it made them even harder to deal with. People would go as far as to try and ruin my life just to take that title away from me. And they did. Almost at least. Maybe not my life, but they definitely ruined me…
I was a paranoid champion. I couldn’t trust anyone. Not even my own family. And so when a member of that family stepped up to me, what did I do? I attacked first, thinking she would do the same to me...while she was on the verge of death...at her most vulnerable...I held nothing back. And why? Just to stay as a champion. I deserved to lose that title, because quite frankly, I was a fucking cunt…
I didn’t care what anyone else thought. Even her. I deserved everything I got after that. I got taken out with an injury, and I was pretty much ready to quit wrestling altogether. I gave up on it all. My health, my training, my figure, any kind of social life I had left, I gave up on it all. I hate to admit it, but I can’t deny it. While the whole world passed me by, I was content to live at home, stuff my face and play games. My god the state of me...how the hell mom didn’t fuck me up over it I’ll never know…
I hate dwelling on this, but it happened. Now I’m ready to move on. No one this ever would have happened without Asher though…
Ash came into my life outta nowhere, but he’s helped me in so many ways I can’t even list on these sheets. He’s everything to me, and I think I’m everything to him. Still don’t know why though. He can keep calling me beautiful all he wants, I don’t think I’ll ever see things through his eyes. Every time I look down at myself, all I see is the pathetic little girl that I think everyone else sees…
He made me think I could still do this. This whole wrestling thing. That’s why I came to the Academy. I knew I couldn’t just walk back into Millennium like nothing happened. I didn’t wanna ask mom for her help again because I didn’t want her to see me this way. I thought this Academy place would help me rekindle things. Like being back in RISE again. Like I already said though, I was a different person back then. I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be…
Gian thought me being here would be a benefit for the other students. Like I could pass my experience on to them. Well look how that’s turning out…
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but my fucking god, it’s been like hell. All thanks to one fucking student…
Faith. Fucking Faith. Ever since I came here, this rich bitch has made my life fucking hell. I know there’s a ton of bitches like this in wrestling, but none of them has gotten under my skin like this one. I didn’t have a problem with her until she made it clear that she had a problem with me. And now I have to deal with her shit every single week. I fucking hate her. But the worst part about this is I can’t do anything about it…
While I’m at the Academy, I can’t have any matches. The best I can do is spar, but I only blame myself for not doing that for so long. I ain’t gonna lie...I’ve been scared since coming here. Not just because of Faith. Everyone here is in top form, while I’m just sitting on my ass, watching everyone get better and better while I keep dwindling in the background…
Even if I was allowed to wrestle though, what then? Just last week, I got my ass handed to me by Faith. I got beat up...and it got aired...for the whole world to see...as if everyone needs reminding of how low I’ve sunk…
She kicked my ass. I have no choice but to admit it. I get why she did it too. She’s the Gold Star. The best in the Academy. Obviously she didn’t need to beat me up to prove anything. I ain’t exactly championship material anymore. Beating me up in front of the world does nothing for her. But what about me? She didn’t beat me up to prove how good she is, she beat me up to prove how far I’ve fallen. And she’s right. What did you expect? This short little fat girl got beat up by the tall champion. And do you know what else? She’s gonna spin this around like she’s motivating me…
All I’ve heard since coming here is how everyone has to coddle me and hold my hand because I’m too sad or scared to go through with this. But I know better. Everything is on me. I’ve got no one else to blame but myself. Not just for what I am now, but for what I became as a champion. I was a monster. I hated what I became. But I also hate what I am now. A geek. A loser. I need to find a balance. I can’t be too strong, nor can I be too weak. I need to find that balance. I can’t go back to what I used to be, but I can’t keep going like this. I have to find the balance…
I know bitches like here will keep trying to keep me down. Everything that she says about me is right, but that’s why I came here in the first place. I need to change. For the better. I have to. This is gonna be the hardest challenge of my life. But I have to do something. I can’t just sit back anymore, and I can’t let people keep walking all over me. I’m sick of being a fucking joke. I’m sorry I’ve let so many people down. My friends. My family. Asher. I’m so sorry. But I want to be better. I have to be better. For you…
Shit. Ran out of space. I guess this will have to do..for now…
Have fun in the trash...
Hey diary...
It’s been a while…
Sorry I lost you. Things were kinda crazy when I moved to LA. I know this is only two sheets of paper but I hope this will do. I know these sheets will be joining you in the trash later anyway. Fucking hope no one finds that old book though…
Anyway, I know I’m getting too old to be doing this shit, but I can’t help it. Writing is like the only thing that helps me express my bullshit feelings, even though I’m a terrible writer, and no one will ever read this shit anyway. But you helped me keep going when I was young, you helped me keep going when I trained at RISE, and here’s hoping you will help me now. I hate resorting to this, but I need to do this. It’s the only way I can vent without making myself look like an ass in front of everyone…
I was a different person last time I wrote this shit. I was in a completely different place. Feels like decades ago now. Before I joined Millennium. Before I became a champion. Back when RISE was still a thing. Back when everyone thought I’d never have what it takes it be a wrestler. I thrived off of proving all the doubters wrong. Little did I know how right they actually were…
I’m glad I didn’t have you here. Before all this bullshit happened. You know, when I first started, I thought becoming a champion would be enough to shut all the doubters up. But it didn’t. In fact, it made them even harder to deal with. People would go as far as to try and ruin my life just to take that title away from me. And they did. Almost at least. Maybe not my life, but they definitely ruined me…
I was a paranoid champion. I couldn’t trust anyone. Not even my own family. And so when a member of that family stepped up to me, what did I do? I attacked first, thinking she would do the same to me...while she was on the verge of death...at her most vulnerable...I held nothing back. And why? Just to stay as a champion. I deserved to lose that title, because quite frankly, I was a fucking cunt…
I didn’t care what anyone else thought. Even her. I deserved everything I got after that. I got taken out with an injury, and I was pretty much ready to quit wrestling altogether. I gave up on it all. My health, my training, my figure, any kind of social life I had left, I gave up on it all. I hate to admit it, but I can’t deny it. While the whole world passed me by, I was content to live at home, stuff my face and play games. My god the state of me...how the hell mom didn’t fuck me up over it I’ll never know…
I hate dwelling on this, but it happened. Now I’m ready to move on. No one this ever would have happened without Asher though…
Ash came into my life outta nowhere, but he’s helped me in so many ways I can’t even list on these sheets. He’s everything to me, and I think I’m everything to him. Still don’t know why though. He can keep calling me beautiful all he wants, I don’t think I’ll ever see things through his eyes. Every time I look down at myself, all I see is the pathetic little girl that I think everyone else sees…
He made me think I could still do this. This whole wrestling thing. That’s why I came to the Academy. I knew I couldn’t just walk back into Millennium like nothing happened. I didn’t wanna ask mom for her help again because I didn’t want her to see me this way. I thought this Academy place would help me rekindle things. Like being back in RISE again. Like I already said though, I was a different person back then. I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be…
Gian thought me being here would be a benefit for the other students. Like I could pass my experience on to them. Well look how that’s turning out…
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but my fucking god, it’s been like hell. All thanks to one fucking student…
Faith. Fucking Faith. Ever since I came here, this rich bitch has made my life fucking hell. I know there’s a ton of bitches like this in wrestling, but none of them has gotten under my skin like this one. I didn’t have a problem with her until she made it clear that she had a problem with me. And now I have to deal with her shit every single week. I fucking hate her. But the worst part about this is I can’t do anything about it…
While I’m at the Academy, I can’t have any matches. The best I can do is spar, but I only blame myself for not doing that for so long. I ain’t gonna lie...I’ve been scared since coming here. Not just because of Faith. Everyone here is in top form, while I’m just sitting on my ass, watching everyone get better and better while I keep dwindling in the background…
Even if I was allowed to wrestle though, what then? Just last week, I got my ass handed to me by Faith. I got beat up...and it got aired...for the whole world to see...as if everyone needs reminding of how low I’ve sunk…
She kicked my ass. I have no choice but to admit it. I get why she did it too. She’s the Gold Star. The best in the Academy. Obviously she didn’t need to beat me up to prove anything. I ain’t exactly championship material anymore. Beating me up in front of the world does nothing for her. But what about me? She didn’t beat me up to prove how good she is, she beat me up to prove how far I’ve fallen. And she’s right. What did you expect? This short little fat girl got beat up by the tall champion. And do you know what else? She’s gonna spin this around like she’s motivating me…
All I’ve heard since coming here is how everyone has to coddle me and hold my hand because I’m too sad or scared to go through with this. But I know better. Everything is on me. I’ve got no one else to blame but myself. Not just for what I am now, but for what I became as a champion. I was a monster. I hated what I became. But I also hate what I am now. A geek. A loser. I need to find a balance. I can’t be too strong, nor can I be too weak. I need to find that balance. I can’t go back to what I used to be, but I can’t keep going like this. I have to find the balance…
I know bitches like here will keep trying to keep me down. Everything that she says about me is right, but that’s why I came here in the first place. I need to change. For the better. I have to. This is gonna be the hardest challenge of my life. But I have to do something. I can’t just sit back anymore, and I can’t let people keep walking all over me. I’m sick of being a fucking joke. I’m sorry I’ve let so many people down. My friends. My family. Asher. I’m so sorry. But I want to be better. I have to be better. For you…
Shit. Ran out of space. I guess this will have to do..for now…
Have fun in the trash...